My Surf City News: Stupid Republicans

FROM Orange County, CA: 

The county will put up $1.5 million to clean an oil spill in Huntington Beach, California (‘Surf City USA’) that contaminated 1.8 miles of the flood control channel in January.

Orange County Public Works on Monday released a report saying the county will look to be reimbursed by the federal Environmental Protection Agency for cleanup efforts after a petroleum spill was discovered on Jan. 22.

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Then came a post from ‘olsrfbum’: “The county should just send a detailed cost invoice to the oil company and they will pay it without a bunch of public debate.”

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My response: “BHWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  Odds are the company will have their lawyers tell the county to sue, which will take 2 years to clear the court.

Do you know that the Exxon company has still not paid $1 in the Exxon-ValSlease oil spill?

Yes, my dear child, in the land of candy rainbows and clowns made of ice cream, companys always admit to fault.”

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-That’s all folks.

Isn’t it Ironic? Police Seize Flag from Veteran on the Fourth of July.

Police in the tiny village of Crivitz, Wisconsin, trespassed onto an Iraq war veteran’s property and stole his American flag, which was being flown upside town as a protest regarding a business dispute the veteran is having with the village’s seat of government. 

Flying the American flag upside down is an accepted way to signal distress, and the veteran, Vito Congine, was signaling his distress over a decision the village council’s decision to deny his restaurant a liquor license.

On the Fourth of July, the day Americans celebrate their independence from a tyrannical government (often with the aid of liquor – more irony), the village council decided his protest was not appropriate.

 Village President John Deschane, 60, an Army veteran who served in Vietnam, said many people in town believe it’s disrespectful to fly the flag upside down.

“If he wants to protest, let him protest but find a different way to do it,” Deschane said.

 Meaning what? Protest in a way that is not seen as a protest? 

Congine, a Marine veteran who served in Iraq in 2004, said he intends to keep flying the flag upside down. “It is pretty bad when I go and fight a tyrannical government somewhere else,” Congine said, “and then I come home to find it right here at my front door.”

 Amen, brother.

When contacted by this reporter, Mayor Vaughn, formally the mayor of Amity—the town made famous in the movie JAWS—had this to say: “We just don’t want that kind of element around while decent folks are trying to enjoy what we think will be a beautiful day, the beaches on Lake Superior are open and people are having a wonderful time, and “Independence Day”, as you know, means “don’t offend people in power”. And let’s be reasonable, huh? This is not the time or the place to perform some kind of a half-assed protest using the American flag… And I’m not going to stand here and see that flag being waved upside down and see that little Kintner boy spill out all over the dock again.”

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2008 ELECTION FLASHBACK: THE REPUBLICAN “CONVENTION”

The Republicans have hit a new low.

Friday morning, the sanitation crew at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport discovered thousands of used, discarded American flag-colored condoms in the men’s room trash bins. The condoms found are sold under the brand name ”American Flags”, and are sometimes referred to as ‘Zachary Taylor’s’ by Republican men because that president’s nickname was ‘Old Rough and Ready’.

Reports indicate that moments after John McCain’s acceptance speech Thursday night, throngs of Republican men wearing thongs headed to the airport’s facilities where they engaged numerous ‘wide stance’ activities, including a dance called the “Larry Craig Dropped Pants Shuffle”.

Discarding of American flag motif condoms in this manner violates traditional, patriotic etiquette. Such items are to be burned after use, especially when used by Republicans, due to the likely presence of dangerous contagions.

For shame, Republicans, for shame.

The good news is that these patriotic symbols of the Republican Party were saved by a local Boy Scout troop. The boys will tie the red, white, and blue condoms to tiny sticks so that they can be distributed and waived at the McCain / Palin rally in Colorado Springs later in the week.

SARAH PALIN RESIGNS TO BECOME WASILLA REAL ESTATE AGENT!

Make your covenant with this beautiful 3-bedroom home just as God did with the house of Israel!  Professionally landscraped yard— amenities include curbside mailbox. Sign stating “This is no longer a meth lab” included.

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“Blessed are the peacemakers” and blessed is the deal you can swing on this fabulous home—large family room, formal dining room, eat-in kitchen and den. Other features include walk-in closets and walk-through walls.

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This two story detached, freestanding home built in 1942 is a home to die for and be born-again!  It has 1.5 bedrooms, 1.2 baths and is approximately 800 sq. ft. when weather permits.

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“Like a wise man who built his house upon the rock” you’ll have lots to be thankful for in this attached townhouse with a formal dining room, community hotplate, ceiling fan, vaulted ceilings, and window treatments (screens). Priced to go faster than the saved during the Rapture!               

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 Go ahead, pass judgment on this house! By outward appearances it has a recently re-landscaped yard, retention pond / jacuzzi. Your soul will be warmed by the huge fireplace in the kitchen / bathroom.

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“He will never permit the righteous to be moved”  UNLESS they see this gorgeous 2-story detached home built in 1932 with a bedroom. Just a short walk to community bathroom.

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You won’t have to covet your neighbor’s house after you move into this dazzling .5-bedroom home! With nearly 500-sq. ft. of living space, you’ll be the envy of nonbelievers for miles around. Includes a formal dining room, breakfast nook, den/office, and clothes line. Custom cabinetry in the family room that would make the Carpenter of Bethlehem blush.

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“Be patient, therefore, brethren, until the coming of the Lord”—but don’t wait too long!—these premier homes will go fast!

 

Call Sarah Palin’s Fisher of Men Reality today! 666-666-666!

 

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Sarah Palin, Miss Congenital Defect

There can only be one explanation why Sarah Palin resigned as governor today, on a Friday-the traditional day politicians use to hide bad news: She’s about to be indicted on some pretty serious charges, including, I believe, fraud and embezzlement.

Nothing else could possibly explain the rambling, bizarre resignation speech she gave a few hours ago. Well, one thing might explain it: she’s become possessed by Michael Jackson’s demons. 

If that’s the case, I predict her next official act as Governor before she resigns will be to dangle Trig over a balcony railing, refer to her husband as ‘Bubbles’, and jump the Elephant Man’s bones.

McCain says Palin not just a ‘pretty face’…

John McCain lashed out at critics of his VP pick, Sarah Palin, who have called her ’just another pretty face’.

“My friendssss, war is not pretty–unless you can make war from an airplane while wearing lipstick and a little rouge. When I went into battle, not only did I look pretty, I felt pretty. I wore 100% silk stockings–no nylon for this flyboy, and one of those bullet bras from the fifties. That way, I didn’t feel guilty about what I was doing, because I was dressed like a prom queen on every bombing misson. Some times I even flew while in heels – try landing an A-1 Skyraider on a carrier in the Gulf of Tonken in a typhoon with a garter belt riding up your butt cheeks, a broken bra strap, 4″ stiletto heels that keep slipping off the rudder pedal, and a tiara that won’t stay on straight! Let’s see Mr. big man Obama hold his war face under those conditions! I smell cheese! What day is it? You kids stay off my dog—”

He was then suddenly rushed away by ’senior advisors’ dressed as nurses.

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First Sighting of Republican Who Admits Voting for Bush Sighted in 4 years!

DETROIT – A biologist has confirmed the sighting of a ‘Republican who voted for Bush’, the small-brained but divisive animal known for its vicious attacks, about 2 weeks after the species was last seen in the state attempting to convince voters there that it knows how to “fix” things other than past elections. Polls show that voters in Michigan essentially adopted the animal as their unofficial State ”Bird” by giving the creature the middle finger.

 

The Republican, a member of the weasel family, grows to about 380 pounds when on pain-killers and is ferocious enough to fight off gays, children left behind, persons on Medicare, and the millions who’ve lost jobs in the past 7 years. It once ranged across the southern and mid-western United States but is now limited mostly to lobbyist fund raising parties, Bob Jones College, and Men’s Public Restrooms. In the past is was occasionally sighted at Texas Air National Guard drills, but exhibited AWOL behavior whenever drug testing was present.

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Hunter S. Thompson’s Letter to Bush Found!

Dear President Bush,

 

I’m afraid it’s become perfectly clear to me and a lot of other people that you’re wasting your time trying to communicate in a language you’ve never mastered and probably never will…especially now, in light of the new information we have on the republican IQ factor…and in trying to salvage your presidential “legacy’.

 

Most of the people who know you agree that your best chance of increasing your popularity now is to gracefully bow out in a quasi-Japanese method – perhaps by going on an all pretzel diet while watching tennis on TV. We know that you are incapable of swallowing and performing rapid eye movement at the same time, so the activity I described will work out best for all concerned, especially your family. If you happen to survive that, after leaving office, I recommend you live as anonymously as possible, in a Texas border town perhaps, doing what republicans do best in those regions — engaging in the buying and selling of children and snorting of crystal methamphetamine off hunting knives.

When the end comes, I hope you will show some decency by not being an organ donor. No one deserves any part of you lingering within them – who knows what might happen – your situation could be f&%king contagious and should not be studied by scientists due to the potential error factor in cloning and whatnot. Better all traces of you be purged from this universe once and for all.

Ciao,

HST

EXCLUSIVE! Bush’s Note to Obama!

Dear Barack Osama,

 

Good luck cleanin’ up the mess I made – I done it on purpose! Anyway, I am about to enter what is called the “private’s sector”, meanin’ I might have to go to work for my daddy agin but he already told me to take a flying F at the moon. So I pondered where I might best eek out a livin’ and it suddenly came to me: I’m gonna work on Wall Street. So here’s your chance to get in on the ground floor of the George Dubya Bush Hedge Hog Fund. I gararntee you’ll get a return on your vestment cause I got experience with the ‘conomy and stuff. Or, I  might become a military advisory for the State of Alaska after Sarah Palin declares there interdepenacy.

 

-Dubya

 

P S – the White House pool water is treated with a special chemical what causes the water around you to turn bright red if you relieve your bladder (pee) while in the pool. Ol’ Clinton neglected to tell me that back in 2000, but I thought I’d give you a better start on your presidency than what I got.

 

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Bush names Santa Claus new head of Homeland Security.

In (God only hopes) his last official act of malfeasance (there is still almost 30 days before our national nightmare has ended, so keep both your fingers and toes crossed), George W. Bush has pegged Santa Clause as the Director of Homeland Security.

 

“I think that Santi Clause, being able to sneak into any home, includin’ the White House, is the perfect choice for this position—besides, I think we went to college together, er were in the Texas Air National Guard—I ‘m not sure, ‘cause those days is a little hazy, if you catch my drift, hehehehe,” Bush told reporters. “I thinks that if he could sneak into the White House an’ leave me lots of really neat presents in Laura’s handwritten’ each year, then he could also sneak into the home or cave—whatever—of Obama Bin Laden and finish him off with some piano wire, even though those Muslins don’t believe in no Santi Clause or Baby Jesus.”

 

Bush then broke out into some break-dance moves, hoping above all chances of hope that he would be not remembered as the Liar-Time President.

 

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