Category Archives: Biden

My Surf City News: Stupid Republicans

FROM Orange County, CA: 

The county will put up $1.5 million to clean an oil spill in Huntington Beach, California (‘Surf City USA’) that contaminated 1.8 miles of the flood control channel in January.

Orange County Public Works on Monday released a report saying the county will look to be reimbursed by the federal Environmental Protection Agency for cleanup efforts after a petroleum spill was discovered on Jan. 22.

__

Then came a post from ‘olsrfbum’: “The county should just send a detailed cost invoice to the oil company and they will pay it without a bunch of public debate.”

My response: “BHWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  Odds are the company will have their lawyers tell the county to sue, which will take 2 years to clear the court.

Do you know that the Exxon company has still not paid $1 in the Exxon-ValSlease oil spill?

Yes, my dear child, in the land of candy rainbows and clowns made of ice cream, companys always admit to fault.”

-That’s all folks.

Advertisements

First Michigan Republican Spotted in Over 2 Weeks

DETROIT – A biologist has confirmed the sighting of a Republican, the small-brained but divisive animal known for its vicious attacks, about 2 weeks after the species was last seen in the state attempting to convince voters there that it knows how to “fix” things other than past elections. Polls show that voters in Michigan essentially adopted the animal as their unofficial State “Bird” by giving the creature the middle finger.

 

The Republican, a member of the weasel family, grows to about 380 pounds when on pain-killers and is ferocious enough to fight off gays, children left behind, persons on Medicare, and the millions who’ve lost jobs in the past 7 years. It once ranged across the southern and mid-western United States but is now limited mostly to lobbyist fund raising parties, Bob Jones College, and Men’s Public Restrooms. In the past is was occasionally sighted at Texas Air National Guard drills, but exhibited AWOL behavior whenever drug testing was present.

.

 

 

Joe the Brother Cuts and Runs

“Do you know who I am!?” Joe the Brother screamed into the phone at the office on the other end.

 

“No, sir, but if you’ll tell me it for the arrest warrant I’m about to write, I’d much appreciate it,” the officer SHOULD have said, and sent a patrol car to his hotel room where they would have found Joe the Brother drunk, naked, and watching a movie called “The Butt Ultimatum”.

 

But I digress: Do we really want a President with a brother who’s middle name is “PINCKNEY”?

 

Maybe that’s why he’s a hot-head too. That middle name probably made him a popular target in grade school. I imagine him on the playground, dressed like Gainsborough’s The Blue Boy. That would turn anyone into a cranky old F&^%er.

 

Anyway, because of this latest FUBAR, he’s out. “I feel terrible about having hurt the campaign over this incident,” he said. “I won’t be doing any more campaigning because of that.”

 

Don’t worry about it Joe the Brother, it’s hard to hurt a train wreck.

 

.

Mickey Mouse Denounces ACORN, Endorses McCain / Palin ‘E’ Ticket

After the 80-year-old Disney star’s name was found on an ACORN voter registration list, Mickey Mouse held a press conference denouncing the ACORN organization as giant vote fraud scheme.

 

“Ah, Hi!” Mickey said to reporters, “I’m here to tell all of you boys and girls that Mickey is voting for John McCain! Yeeah! ACORN claimed it signed me up to vote, but it’s not true – it’s all a scheme to steal the election. I’m voting for John McCain ‘cause Sarah Palin’s got a nice ass.”

 

Mickey was joined by five of the Seven Dwarfs in a show at a McCain / Palin rally this morning. On stage were Bashful, Sleepy, Dopey, Grumpy, and Sleazy (who recently changed his name from Sleepy to reflect his support of the Republican presidential campaign).

 

In exchange for the five Dwarfs support, Sarah Palin gave them all a special treat. All at the same time. This broke Sarah’s personal record–for dwarfs. She also promised to name her next five children after them, which wasn’t really that big of a deal because she was going to do that anyway.

 

The other two remaining Seven Dwarfs, Doc (who’s educated) and Happy, are both Obama supporters.

 

With this sudden and surprising jump in the polls among Disney cartoon characters, John McCain immediately rolled out his typical Pander Express stump speech (with just a hint of racism): “My cartoon friends,” McCain told a rally of cardboard cutouts of Disney characters he hastily assembled for reporters, “Senator Obama is just like ‘Jafar’ in your creator’s 1992 movie, Aladdin. And he is bent on the destruction of Snow White’s all across this great land.”

 

Campaign ‘aides’ dressed as nurses then subdued McCain and led him away.

 

It is now rumored that Oliver Stone is set to direct a Disney movie about the McCain / Palin campaign tentatively titled, “An Extremely Goofy Campaign”. Sarah Palin will be portrayed by Cruella De Vil, while the part of John McCain will be played by Scrooge McDuck.

 

.

Palin Booted Off “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader” After First Question.

Question: Brandon Garcia (in the third grade) wants to know, “What does the Vice President do?”

 

PALIN: That’s something that Piper would ask me! … They’re in charge of the U.S. Senate so if they want to they can really get in there with the senators and make a lot of good policy changes… 

 

Ehhhhh! Sorry Sarah, wrong guess. Would you like to go for Double Jeopardy where the scores can really change?

 

Can you imagine Sarah Palin (if she were elected VP) marching into a Senate Committee meeting, announcing, “Guys and gals, I’m Sarah Palin, yer new boss – perhaps you’ve heard of me. Now, here’s what we should do–“ 

 

And just about that time, the Senate security guards arrive and drag her away. Priceless. 

 

.

McCAIN TRUTH SQUAD REPORT: McCain Married Fellow Panamanian Manuel Noriega in Secret Voodoo Ceremony.

Manuel Noriega, the Panamanian strongman, drug kingpin—and, according to some, childhood lover of John McCain—secretly wed the Arizona Senator early in 1993, during a chicken-blood soaked voodoo ritual.

 

According to factual records produced by Noriega’s attorney, Bennie Blanco from the Bronx, McCain and Noriega were to be divorced in 2007 but could not reach an amicable separation agreement, so Noriega turned McCain into a brain-eating zombie with diaper rash.

 

McCain was born in Panama.

Some say this is one reason he is not qualified to be the President. Irritable bowel syndrome of the brain would be another.

 

.

 

A Brief History of Republicans…

This is by no means a comprehensive listing of influential Republicans throughout history, but a brief listing to warn you that while very soon Republicans will no longer be in charge of America, they are not going away because they have always been with us.

 

Delightless   – The first woman hired by the Philistines to defeat Samson. Got drunk and shaved her own head by mistake.

 

Larryzotec    – Aztec god of Republicans whose followers where told that snorting paprika would lead to mystical experiences, but actually resulted in severe sinus infections.

  

Genghis the Purger   – Grandfather of Genghis Khan.  Driven by an enormous eating disorder, he was the first person to conquer Mongolia.  His advisors warned him that it was nothing but a huge frozen desert.  He thought they said dessert.

 

Lyle Columbus   – Jealous brother of Christopher.  Set sail in 1493, also to prove the world was round—but by sailing north.  Ship found inside a glacier in 1973.

 

Elmo Smith   – American religious leader, founded the Church of Pessimism.  Predicted the end of the world in 1823, 1824, 1825, 1826—shot  and hanged by his followers 1827.

 

Jack ‘the Kipper’   – Dangerous Loser who crept about the low streets of London at night, gutting fish and throwing them at constables.

 

Whydini  “the Republican Magician”   – Attempted to gain fame by escaping from his angry mother-in-law while they were both immersed in a barrel of petroleum jelly.

 

Carl der Verlierer   (Carl the Republican)   – German pacifist, 1866 – 1943.  Opened several small pacifist shops in Berlin which all failed, forcing him into a severe depression; soon afterward launched a surprise invasion in his living room, declaring war on himself and losing.

 

“Cuckoo Channel” Gandhi    – Mahatma Gandhi’s sister and fashion consultant.  Only Gandhi ever to have a weight problem. Created a critically panned ready-to-wear sari collection in British flag motifs. 

 

Loretta Loser   – Country singer who was blackballed from the industry when she performed her only song, Daddy Drank and Momma Worshipped Satan, at the Grand Ole Oprey.