Category Archives: election 2008

First Sighting of Republican Who Admits Voting for Bush Sighted in 4 years!

DETROIT – A biologist has confirmed the sighting of a ‘Republican who voted for Bush’, the small-brained but divisive animal known for its vicious attacks, about 2 weeks after the species was last seen in the state attempting to convince voters there that it knows how to “fix” things other than past elections. Polls show that voters in Michigan essentially adopted the animal as their unofficial State ”Bird” by giving the creature the middle finger.

 

The Republican, a member of the weasel family, grows to about 380 pounds when on pain-killers and is ferocious enough to fight off gays, children left behind, persons on Medicare, and the millions who’ve lost jobs in the past 7 years. It once ranged across the southern and mid-western United States but is now limited mostly to lobbyist fund raising parties, Bob Jones College, and Men’s Public Restrooms. In the past is was occasionally sighted at Texas Air National Guard drills, but exhibited AWOL behavior whenever drug testing was present.

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Hunter S. Thompson’s Letter to Bush Found!

Dear President Bush,

 

I’m afraid it’s become perfectly clear to me and a lot of other people that you’re wasting your time trying to communicate in a language you’ve never mastered and probably never will…especially now, in light of the new information we have on the republican IQ factor…and in trying to salvage your presidential “legacy’.

 

Most of the people who know you agree that your best chance of increasing your popularity now is to gracefully bow out in a quasi-Japanese method – perhaps by going on an all pretzel diet while watching tennis on TV. We know that you are incapable of swallowing and performing rapid eye movement at the same time, so the activity I described will work out best for all concerned, especially your family. If you happen to survive that, after leaving office, I recommend you live as anonymously as possible, in a Texas border town perhaps, doing what republicans do best in those regions — engaging in the buying and selling of children and snorting of crystal methamphetamine off hunting knives.
When the end comes, I hope you will show some decency by not being an organ donor. No one deserves any part of you lingering within them – who knows what might happen – your situation could be f&%king contagious and should not be studied by scientists due to the potential error factor in cloning and whatnot. Better all traces of you be purged from this universe once and for all.

Ciao,

HST

EXCLUSIVE! Bush’s Note to Obama!

Dear Barack Osama,

 

Good luck cleanin’ up the mess I made – I done it on purpose! Anyway, I am about to enter what is called the “private’s sector”, meanin’ I might have to go to work for my daddy agin but he already told me to take a flying F at the moon. So I pondered where I might best eek out a livin’ and it suddenly came to me: I’m gonna work on Wall Street. So here’s your chance to get in on the ground floor of the George Dubya Bush Hedge Hog Fund. I gararntee you’ll get a return on your vestment cause I got experience with the ‘conomy and stuff. Or, I  might become a military advisory for the State of Alaska after Sarah Palin declares there interdepenacy.

 

-Dubya

 

P S – the White House pool water is treated with a special chemical what causes the water around you to turn bright red if you relieve your bladder (pee) while in the pool. Ol’ Clinton neglected to tell me that back in 2000, but I thought I’d give you a better start on your presidency than what I got.

 

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Bush names Santa Claus new head of Homeland Security.

In (God only hopes) his last official act of malfeasance (there is still almost 30 days before our national nightmare has ended, so keep both your fingers and toes crossed), George W. Bush has pegged Santa Clause as the Director of Homeland Security.

 

“I think that Santi Clause, being able to sneak into any home, includin’ the White House, is the perfect choice for this position—besides, I think we went to college together, er were in the Texas Air National Guard—I ‘m not sure, ‘cause those days is a little hazy, if you catch my drift, hehehehe,” Bush told reporters. “I thinks that if he could sneak into the White House an’ leave me lots of really neat presents in Laura’s handwritten’ each year, then he could also sneak into the home or cave—whatever—of Obama Bin Laden and finish him off with some piano wire, even though those Muslins don’t believe in no Santi Clause or Baby Jesus.”

 

Bush then broke out into some break-dance moves, hoping above all chances of hope that he would be not remembered as the Liar-Time President.

 

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Mann Coulter’s Jaws Wired Shut! (at last…)

ann_coulter_1998_10_19_on_pbs

 

OmyGawd, Mann, I’m sooooo surry you’re jaws are like wired shut and everything. I guess you did it on purpose because you think you’re too faaat and that all gummy bear diet didn’t work.

 

Well, you’re right, you are too fat. Everytime I see you I think, like, what a huge cow, my gwad.

 

So I think you should like keep your jaws wired shut for about 10 years. And then there’s that pesky foreskin that keeps growing back like a lizard’s tail. Oooo, gross. Well, I guess that’s what happens when you have your sex-change operation done by an Appalachian mountain woman.

 

Can I ask you something personal? What’s up with the Adam’s apple? Your attempts at hiding it with make-up remind me of that scene in Roxanne when Steve Martin tries to downplay his Cyrano schnozz with some dark shading cosmetics. Except your Adam’s apple in real life is bigger than his nose in that movie.

 

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Palin: “Cowards and Jerks and Meannies” O My!

Caribou Klaus Barbie is now whining about what McCain staffers are saying about her.

 

Well, welcome to the National Republican Party, Sarah! You fit Reich in.

 

“They are a bunch of Blue Meanies!” Palin told reporters. “So I spent some money? Big F’ing deal! TOOOOOOOODD!!! MAKE THEM STOP!!! I HOPE GOD BLESSES YOU ALL WITH STOMACH CANCER!!!” 

 

Palin then ran away, wearing Gucci Royal Mid Heel Pumps, available at all Neocon Marcus stores, $495.00.

 

This morning, McCain campaigners also revealed additional items Palin spent money on:

 

Silk G-string underwear (for Todd): $5,000

Solid gold ice hockey goalie mask: $12,000

Electric sled-dog polisher: $26,000

 

Watching the Retardicans self-implode: Priceless.

 

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Palin Votes, Goofs Up on Ballot – Writes in “The Maverick”…

When reporters asked Sarah Palin who she voted for, she initially refused to answer any questions, but then remembered that the campaign is over and she no longer has to worry about sounding foolish. So she stop worrying and started sounding foolish.

 

“O, I voted for ‘The Maverick’ a course,” Palin told reporters. “Funny thing is, I didn’t see him on the ballot, so I fixed that little glitch by writing ‘The Maverick’ on my ballot. You’d think that after all the times I’d told people we gotta send the Maverick to Washington, they’d a figured that out and put his name on the ballot.”

 

When a reporter explained to her that nicknames don’t count, she replied, “Dooh!” and tried to re-enter the voting booth but was stopped by election judges.

 

The voting booth she used was created for her by Louis Vuitton and cost $287,000. After the election, Palin said it will be donated as a shelter to a homeless Wasillan family.

 

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