Category Archives: GOP

My Surf City News: Stupid Republicans

FROM Orange County, CA: 

The county will put up $1.5 million to clean an oil spill in Huntington Beach, California (‘Surf City USA’) that contaminated 1.8 miles of the flood control channel in January.

Orange County Public Works on Monday released a report saying the county will look to be reimbursed by the federal Environmental Protection Agency for cleanup efforts after a petroleum spill was discovered on Jan. 22.

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Then came a post from ‘olsrfbum’: “The county should just send a detailed cost invoice to the oil company and they will pay it without a bunch of public debate.”

My response: “BHWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  Odds are the company will have their lawyers tell the county to sue, which will take 2 years to clear the court.

Do you know that the Exxon company has still not paid $1 in the Exxon-ValSlease oil spill?

Yes, my dear child, in the land of candy rainbows and clowns made of ice cream, companys always admit to fault.”

-That’s all folks.

2008 ELECTION FLASHBACK: THE REPUBLICAN “CONVENTION”

The Republicans have hit a new low.

Friday morning, the sanitation crew at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport discovered thousands of used, discarded American flag-colored condoms in the men’s room trash bins. The condoms found are sold under the brand name ”American Flags”, and are sometimes referred to as ‘Zachary Taylor’s’ by Republican men because that president’s nickname was ‘Old Rough and Ready’.

Reports indicate that moments after John McCain’s acceptance speech Thursday night, throngs of Republican men wearing thongs headed to the airport’s facilities where they engaged numerous ‘wide stance’ activities, including a dance called the “Larry Craig Dropped Pants Shuffle”.

Discarding of American flag motif condoms in this manner violates traditional, patriotic etiquette. Such items are to be burned after use, especially when used by Republicans, due to the likely presence of dangerous contagions.

For shame, Republicans, for shame.

The good news is that these patriotic symbols of the Republican Party were saved by a local Boy Scout troop. The boys will tie the red, white, and blue condoms to tiny sticks so that they can be distributed and waived at the McCain / Palin rally in Colorado Springs later in the week.

McCain says Palin not just a ‘pretty face’…

John McCain lashed out at critics of his VP pick, Sarah Palin, who have called her ’just another pretty face’.

“My friendssss, war is not pretty–unless you can make war from an airplane while wearing lipstick and a little rouge. When I went into battle, not only did I look pretty, I felt pretty. I wore 100% silk stockings–no nylon for this flyboy, and one of those bullet bras from the fifties. That way, I didn’t feel guilty about what I was doing, because I was dressed like a prom queen on every bombing misson. Some times I even flew while in heels – try landing an A-1 Skyraider on a carrier in the Gulf of Tonken in a typhoon with a garter belt riding up your butt cheeks, a broken bra strap, 4″ stiletto heels that keep slipping off the rudder pedal, and a tiara that won’t stay on straight! Let’s see Mr. big man Obama hold his war face under those conditions! I smell cheese! What day is it? You kids stay off my dog—”

He was then suddenly rushed away by ’senior advisors’ dressed as nurses.

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Palin Votes, Goofs Up on Ballot – Writes in “The Maverick”…

When reporters asked Sarah Palin who she voted for, she initially refused to answer any questions, but then remembered that the campaign is over and she no longer has to worry about sounding foolish. So she stop worrying and started sounding foolish.

 

“O, I voted for ‘The Maverick’ a course,” Palin told reporters. “Funny thing is, I didn’t see him on the ballot, so I fixed that little glitch by writing ‘The Maverick’ on my ballot. You’d think that after all the times I’d told people we gotta send the Maverick to Washington, they’d a figured that out and put his name on the ballot.”

 

When a reporter explained to her that nicknames don’t count, she replied, “Dooh!” and tried to re-enter the voting booth but was stopped by election judges.

 

The voting booth she used was created for her by Louis Vuitton and cost $287,000. After the election, Palin said it will be donated as a shelter to a homeless Wasillan family.

 

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Palin: “The Founding Fathers were Gay Communists.”

 

“They wore wigs and established what they called ‘free public education’,” Palin told a crowd of near-mutants. “Even people who didn’t have children had to contribute tax money to pay for the education of the community’s children—I’m not making this stuff up—and I saw it in a movie once were George Washington was writing a letter with a pen that had a big feather on it. How gay is that?”

 

Someone in the crowd then yelled, “Washington was a fag!”

 

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After the Election: Sarah Palin Becomes Wasilla Real Estate Agent

  Make your covenant with this beautiful 3-bedroom home just as God did with the house of Israel!  Professionally landscraped yard— amenities include curbside mailbox. Sign stating “This is no longer a meth lab” included.

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  “Blessed are the peacemakers” and blessed is the deal you can swing on this fabulous home—large family room, formal dining room, eat-in kitchen and den. Other features include walk-in closets and walk-through walls.

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  This two story detached, freestanding home built in 1942 is a home to die for and be born-again!  It has 1.5 bedrooms, 1.2 baths and is approximately 800 sq. ft. when weather permits.

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“Like a wise man who built his house upon the rock” you’ll have lots to be thankful for in this attached townhouse with a formal dining room, community hotplate, ceiling fan, vaulted ceilings, and window treatments (screens). Priced to go faster than the saved during the Rapture!               
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  Go ahead, pass judgment on this house! By outward appearances it has a recently re-landscaped yard, retention pond / jacuzzi. Your soul will be warmed by the huge fireplace in the kitchen / bathroom.

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“He will never permit the righteous to be moved” UNLESS they see this gorgeous 2-story detached home built in 1932 with a bedroom. Just a short walk to community bathroom.

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 You won’t have to covet your neighbor’s house after you move into this dazzling .5-bedroom home! With nearly 500-sq. ft. of living space, you’ll be the envy of nonbelievers for miles around. Includes a formal dining room, breakfast nook, den/office, and clothes line. Custom cabinetry in the family room that would make the Carpenter of Bethlehem blush.

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“Be patient, therefore, brethren, until the coming of the Lord”—but don’t wait too long!—these premier homes will go fast!

 

Call Sarah Palin’s Fisher of Men Reality today! 666-666-666!

 

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Sarah Palin on Torture: Perform Water-Boarding and Forced Baptism at the Same Time.

At a campaign rally this morning, Sarah Palin offered a compromise to the controversy regarding the torture of ‘War on Terror’ detainees. She proposed to add forced baptism to all U.S. DoD water boarding procedures.

 “This way, we will be learning how they plan on attacking us and saving their souls at the same time,” Palin told a cheering crowd of near-mutants. “As we make our country safer, we can also send the souls of terrorists to Heaven and thereby lessen the number of demons who’ll rise up from the depths of hell on the day of Armageddon and walk the Earth and try to eat our children’s brains.”