Category Archives: Joe Biden

McCain says Palin not just a ‘pretty face’…

John McCain lashed out at critics of his VP pick, Sarah Palin, who have called her ’just another pretty face’.

“My friendssss, war is not pretty–unless you can make war from an airplane while wearing lipstick and a little rouge. When I went into battle, not only did I look pretty, I felt pretty. I wore 100% silk stockings–no nylon for this flyboy, and one of those bullet bras from the fifties. That way, I didn’t feel guilty about what I was doing, because I was dressed like a prom queen on every bombing misson. Some times I even flew while in heels – try landing an A-1 Skyraider on a carrier in the Gulf of Tonken in a typhoon with a garter belt riding up your butt cheeks, a broken bra strap, 4″ stiletto heels that keep slipping off the rudder pedal, and a tiara that won’t stay on straight! Let’s see Mr. big man Obama hold his war face under those conditions! I smell cheese! What day is it? You kids stay off my dog—”

He was then suddenly rushed away by ’senior advisors’ dressed as nurses.

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Palin Votes, Goofs Up on Ballot – Writes in “The Maverick”…

When reporters asked Sarah Palin who she voted for, she initially refused to answer any questions, but then remembered that the campaign is over and she no longer has to worry about sounding foolish. So she stop worrying and started sounding foolish.

 

“O, I voted for ‘The Maverick’ a course,” Palin told reporters. “Funny thing is, I didn’t see him on the ballot, so I fixed that little glitch by writing ‘The Maverick’ on my ballot. You’d think that after all the times I’d told people we gotta send the Maverick to Washington, they’d a figured that out and put his name on the ballot.”

 

When a reporter explained to her that nicknames don’t count, she replied, “Dooh!” and tried to re-enter the voting booth but was stopped by election judges.

 

The voting booth she used was created for her by Louis Vuitton and cost $287,000. After the election, Palin said it will be donated as a shelter to a homeless Wasillan family.

 

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10,000 Mickey Mouses Cast Votes in Orlando, Florida.

Just as the Right Wing Nuts predicted, voter fraud is rampant in Florida today.

 

In addition to the 10,000 Mickey’s, exit polls show that nearly 10 million Dumbo’s will vote for John McCain, and 15 million Elmer Fudd’s for Palin.

 

With this sudden and surprising shift to McCain among Disney cartoon characters, John McCain immediately seized the opportunity to get them to vote: “My cartoon friends,” McCain told a rally of cardboard cutouts of Disney characters he hastily assembled for reporters, “Senator Obama is just like ‘Jafar’ in Disney’s 1992 movie, Aladdin. And he is bent on the destruction of Snow White’s all across this great country.”

 

Campaign ‘aides’ dressed as nurses then subdued McCain and led him away.

 

It is now rumored that Oliver Stone is set to direct a Disney movie about the McCain / Palin campaign tentatively titled, “An Extremely Goofy Campaign”. Sarah Palin will be portrayed by Cruella De Vil, while the part of John McCain will be played by Scrooge McDuck.

 

 

Mickey Mouse Denounces ACORN.

After the 80-year-old Disney star’s name was found on an ACORN voter registration list, Mickey Mouse held a press conference denouncing the ACORN organization as giant vote fraud scheme.

 

“Ah, Hi!” Mickey said to reporters, “I’m here to tell all of you boys and girls that Mickey is voting for John McCain! Yeeah! ACORN claimed it signed me up to vote, but it’s not true – it’s all a scheme to steal the election. I’m voting for John McCain ‘cause Sarah Palin’s got a nice ass.”

 

Mickey was joined by five of the Seven Dwarfs in a show at a McCain / Palin rally this morning. On stage were Bashful, Sleepy, Dopey, Grumpy, and Sleazy (who recently changed his name from Sleepy to reflect his support of the Republican presidential campaign).

 

In exchange for the five Dwarfs support, Sarah Palin gave them all a special treat. All at the same time. This broke Sarah’s personal record–for dwarfs. She also promised to name her next five children after them, which wasn’t really that big of a deal because she was going to do that anyway.

 

The other two remaining Seven Dwarfs, Doc (who’s educated) and Happy, are both Obama supporters.

 

With this sudden and surprising jump in the polls among Disney cartoon characters, John McCain immediately rolled out his typical Pander Express stump speech (with just a hint of racism): “My cartoon friends,” McCain told a rally of cardboard cutouts of Disney characters he hastily assembled for reporters, “Senator Obama is just like ‘Jafar’ in your creator’s 1992 movie, Aladdin. And he is bent on the destruction of Snow White’s all across this great land.”

 

Campaign ‘aides’ dressed as nurses then subdued McCain and led him away.

 

It is now rumored that Oliver Stone is set to direct a Disney movie about the McCain / Palin campaign tentatively titled, “An Extremely Goofy Campaign”. Sarah Palin will be portrayed by Cruella De Vil, while the part of John McCain will be played by Scrooge McDuck.

Republican Deer Hunters are Homophobic.

Why? Because they only shoot deer because deer ‘prance’. And they HATE that!

 

They imagine that anything that ‘prancies’ must be gay, when it might just be ‘happy’…  

 

(Note: something or someone could be both happy and gay [in the modern sense of the word] and still not prance; prancing is not exclusive to either happy, gay creatures or happy, hetrosexual beings. Your results may vary. I’m getting confused. Consult your physican if you experience prancing that lasts for more than four hours as it may be a sign of something a doctor would like to charge you for.)

 

…but like most homophobes, the root of their fear is actually a projection of their fear of their own latent homosexuality.

 

Case in point: Some hunters are so afraid they’ll look gay if they dress in a nice sweater and a pair of wool slacks that they develop Chronic Fatigues Syndrome and will wear nothing but camouflage.

 

And my advice to you is never, never, never let a Republican deer hunter near Lipizzan horses while they are performing —they’ll kill every one of them.

 

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Sarah Divorces Todd Over His Unusal Porn Collection.

It is six years since the election of 2008. John McCain has retired from the Senate and spends most of his days contemplating who the strange lady sleeping next to him is. She calls herself ‘Cindy’. Is she my mother? Sarah and Todd’s marriage could not stand the pressure of her failed bid to become president of the Wasilla PTA and they are now divorced.

 

Sarah obtained a restraining order against Todd after she discovered his secret porn stash of alternative lifestyle ‘fly fishing’ photos and pictures of men paddling without a canoe.

 

Todd was very upset with Sarah. The restraining order meant that Todd could not take his son, Trig, on his first deer hunt. Trig was already six-years-old—and should, by Alaskan Republican standards—have already have killed his first deer. Since this had not yet happened, Todd was concerned that this would forever emotionally scar his son. Todd feared that his son would never be initiated into the folds of the hunter-sportsbar tribe.

 

So, at considerable personal pain, despite the very hard feelings he had for Sarah, he wrote a letter to his ex-wife, explaining to her how important this hunt was to Trig’s development and instructing her how she could introduce Trig to his first deer hunt.

 

Here then, is that letter.

 

Dear Sarah,

 

I hope that this letter finds you and Trig well. Since I am unable to be there as promised, I am relying on you —and Trig is relying on you —to fulfill the promise I made to our son regarding his first deer hunt. The first day of deer hunting season is fast approaching

and I do not want to carry the thought in my heart that our son will miss it. Please do not disappoint our son—soon to be your little man. I know that you have never really participated in hunting of any kind and do not know how to use a gun; therefore, I have listed below what you need to do and pray that you follow my advice.

 

On the first day of deer hunting season it will be cold, so dress accordingly. Remember that fur coat the GOP bought you in 2008? Wear it hunting!!! That should keep you comfy. And don’t forget a hat, either. That one you wear every Christmas, the one with the huge, fuzzy antlers — you always looked so cute in that — will work just fine, I hope.

 

Load a gun for Trig before you get to the spot for hunting, it’s too much trouble to do that after you’re there, and let him carry it in his lap while you drive, so he gets use to it on the way. And take the old pick-up truck with the really bad shocks. 

 

Drive to the woods, out off highway 12, but not until five or six o’clock in the afternoon. Here’s a secret to finding an area with plenty of deer: pull over wherever you see at least three trucks along the side of the road. I remember how you use to continually say over and over again, “one shouldn’t choose to eat at a restaurant with an empty parking lot”. Well, the same is also true for deer hunting—you shouldn’t go hunting in an area where there aren’t already many, many eager hunters —that means deer are close by.

 

Deer are frightened away by the human female scent, while bears—especially grizzlies (and I’m told there are some in those woods) are attracted by the human female scent, so spread some maple syrup across your cheeks and neck. This not only will mask your scent, but it is the best bear repellent I know of.

 

As Trig’s mentor, you must lead the way. Don’t forget your coat and hat! And stay low. Have Trig climb a tree about 100 yards away so he can better spot any deer. Once you have found a thickly wooded spot far into the forest, find some bushes to crawl into and wait there. Occasionally it is helpful to make a ‘deer-call’ by creating some snorting noises with your throat.

 

Good luck and good hunting—I hope.

 

Best regards,

Todd

 

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Mickey Mouse Denounces ACORN, Endorses McCain / Palin ‘E’ Ticket

After the 80-year-old Disney star’s name was found on an ACORN voter registration list, Mickey Mouse held a press conference denouncing the ACORN organization as giant vote fraud scheme.

 

“Ah, Hi!” Mickey said to reporters, “I’m here to tell all of you boys and girls that Mickey is voting for John McCain! Yeeah! ACORN claimed it signed me up to vote, but it’s not true – it’s all a scheme to steal the election. I’m voting for John McCain ‘cause Sarah Palin’s got a nice ass.”

 

Mickey was joined by five of the Seven Dwarfs in a show at a McCain / Palin rally this morning. On stage were Bashful, Sleepy, Dopey, Grumpy, and Sleazy (who recently changed his name from Sleepy to reflect his support of the Republican presidential campaign).

 

In exchange for the five Dwarfs support, Sarah Palin gave them all a special treat. All at the same time. This broke Sarah’s personal record–for dwarfs. She also promised to name her next five children after them, which wasn’t really that big of a deal because she was going to do that anyway.

 

The other two remaining Seven Dwarfs, Doc (who’s educated) and Happy, are both Obama supporters.

 

With this sudden and surprising jump in the polls among Disney cartoon characters, John McCain immediately rolled out his typical Pander Express stump speech (with just a hint of racism): “My cartoon friends,” McCain told a rally of cardboard cutouts of Disney characters he hastily assembled for reporters, “Senator Obama is just like ‘Jafar’ in your creator’s 1992 movie, Aladdin. And he is bent on the destruction of Snow White’s all across this great land.”

 

Campaign ‘aides’ dressed as nurses then subdued McCain and led him away.

 

It is now rumored that Oliver Stone is set to direct a Disney movie about the McCain / Palin campaign tentatively titled, “An Extremely Goofy Campaign”. Sarah Palin will be portrayed by Cruella De Vil, while the part of John McCain will be played by Scrooge McDuck.

 

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