Republican Deer Hunters are Homophobic.

Why? Because they only shoot deer because deer ‘prance’. And they HATE that!

 

They imagine that anything that ‘prancies’ must be gay, when it might just be ‘happy’…  

 

(Note: something or someone could be both happy and gay [in the modern sense of the word] and still not prance; prancing is not exclusive to either happy, gay creatures or happy, hetrosexual beings. Your results may vary. I’m getting confused. Consult your physican if you experience prancing that lasts for more than four hours as it may be a sign of something a doctor would like to charge you for.)

 

…but like most homophobes, the root of their fear is actually a projection of their fear of their own latent homosexuality.

 

Case in point: Some hunters are so afraid they’ll look gay if they dress in a nice sweater and a pair of wool slacks that they develop Chronic Fatigues Syndrome and will wear nothing but camouflage.

 

And my advice to you is never, never, never let a Republican deer hunter near Lipizzan horses while they are performing —they’ll kill every one of them.

 

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Mickey Mouse Denounces ACORN, Endorses McCain / Palin ‘E’ Ticket

After the 80-year-old Disney star’s name was found on an ACORN voter registration list, Mickey Mouse held a press conference denouncing the ACORN organization as giant vote fraud scheme.

 

“Ah, Hi!” Mickey said to reporters, “I’m here to tell all of you boys and girls that Mickey is voting for John McCain! Yeeah! ACORN claimed it signed me up to vote, but it’s not true – it’s all a scheme to steal the election. I’m voting for John McCain ‘cause Sarah Palin’s got a nice ass.”

 

Mickey was joined by five of the Seven Dwarfs in a show at a McCain / Palin rally this morning. On stage were Bashful, Sleepy, Dopey, Grumpy, and Sleazy (who recently changed his name from Sleepy to reflect his support of the Republican presidential campaign).

 

In exchange for the five Dwarfs support, Sarah Palin gave them all a special treat. All at the same time. This broke Sarah’s personal record–for dwarfs. She also promised to name her next five children after them, which wasn’t really that big of a deal because she was going to do that anyway.

 

The other two remaining Seven Dwarfs, Doc (who’s educated) and Happy, are both Obama supporters.

 

With this sudden and surprising jump in the polls among Disney cartoon characters, John McCain immediately rolled out his typical Pander Express stump speech (with just a hint of racism): “My cartoon friends,” McCain told a rally of cardboard cutouts of Disney characters he hastily assembled for reporters, “Senator Obama is just like ‘Jafar’ in your creator’s 1992 movie, Aladdin. And he is bent on the destruction of Snow White’s all across this great land.”

 

Campaign ‘aides’ dressed as nurses then subdued McCain and led him away.

 

It is now rumored that Oliver Stone is set to direct a Disney movie about the McCain / Palin campaign tentatively titled, “An Extremely Goofy Campaign”. Sarah Palin will be portrayed by Cruella De Vil, while the part of John McCain will be played by Scrooge McDuck.

 

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McCAIN TRUTH SQUAD REPORT: McCain Married Fellow Panamanian Manuel Noriega in Secret Voodoo Ceremony.

Manuel Noriega, the Panamanian strongman, drug kingpin—and, according to some, childhood lover of John McCain—secretly wed the Arizona Senator early in 1993, during a chicken-blood soaked voodoo ritual.

 

According to factual records produced by Noriega’s attorney, Bennie Blanco from the Bronx, McCain and Noriega were to be divorced in 2007 but could not reach an amicable separation agreement, so Noriega turned McCain into a brain-eating zombie with diaper rash.

 

McCain was born in Panama.

Some say this is one reason he is not qualified to be the President. Irritable bowel syndrome of the brain would be another.

 

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Sarah Palin’s Advice for Teens: How Teeny Boppers Can Stop From Becoming Wienny Boppers.

In late 2007, approximetly three weeks before her daughter Bristol became pregnant, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin initiated a public service program called ‘Sarah Palin’s Tips for Teens’. The idea was to offer guidance to Alaskan teens about the problems they may face protecting their ‘Last Frontier’.

The first issue, entitled “The Real Bridge to Nowhere: Teenage Pregnancy” listed Palin’s contraception advice for teenage girls.

Let’s take a peek, shall we?

‘Young ladies, these are three simple rules to go by if you want to remain pregnant-free. Trust me, I’ve used them for many years, and if I hadn’t, by now I’d have six or seven children instead of only five.

Rule 1: Never trust artificial contraceptive devices such as condoms and birth control pills. They cause stomach cancer. Instead, don’t have sex.

Rule 2: If you’re going to have sex, use natural contraceptive techniques such as standing up during sex, having sex just one time a month (hopefully during that time of the month when you receive your woman’s curse from God), or eating lemons during the filthy act.

Rule 3: Never use the Anchorage Public Swimming Pool.

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Anchorage Daily News Says Palin’s Response to Troopergate Report is “Orwellian” – Palin Says She’s from Wasilla, Not Orwell, Alaska.

Sarah Palin responded to this article by calling a press conference this morning:

“Good morning, hope ya all had a good breakfeast. Todd made me some eggs.

Ok then, once again, an elite, eastern coast of Alaska newspaper –this time the Anchorage Daily News — has decided to attack me without getting their facts straight. They reported today that my response to the Troopergate report is “Orwellian”. Well, I guess the laugh is on them now isn”t it? By now, I”d guess that just about everybody in the entire United Sates of America knows who Sarah Palin is and that I come from Wasilla, Alaska, not Orwell, Alaska.

Heck, Orwell is at least 1,000 miles northwest of Wasilla! So, I guess that’s some pretty shoddy reporting on their part, ya think? And if they got that obvious fact wrong, I guess the rest of their story is pretty much made of the same thing I found in Trig”s diaper ’bout an hour ago.

That”s all I really had to say. Thanks a bunch.”

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As a Truly ‘Special Needs’ Person, Palin is Now Protected From “Gotcha Journalists” By New Secret Service Team.

The Secret Service announced yesterday that Governor Sarah Palin would be the first candidate to receive protection from a new, elite Secret Service division known as the Query Team.

 

Upon sighting a potential or actual “gotcha journalist”, agents of the Query Team alert other one another by shouting “Question!” —then shield the candidate with their bodies as fellow agents perform a ‘swarm maneuver’ on the suspect, taking them to the ground as quickly as possible.

 

Agents then remove all potential weapons from the detainee (or ‘new fish’, as they are referred to by the agents) such as pencils, pens, cell phones, and expensive watches and gold jewelry —provided McCain / Palin supporters haven’t already taken them.

 

Senator Larry Craig (R) of Idaho, upon hearing of the Query Team, flew to the Palin rally held this afternoon and attempted to ask Governor Palin numerous questions.

 

And since the people who attend McCain / Palin rallies could slip seamlessly into the rodeo scene of Borat’s last movie, I’ll save you reporters the trouble of a beating and give you their answers to your questions (regardless of what they may be):

 

“On acountta Barack Hussien Osama is a terrier and my children is ‘fraid of dogs what want to attack ‘Merica…”  

 

“As a goddam fearin’ Christain still recovering from our nation’s crystal meth problem, I do not have a mind to vote for anybody what can’t bowl a higher score than my water-headed cousin fiancée …”  

 

“I am worried ‘bout my family, specially my daughter who I think has fucking Tourette’s syndrome, what’s Osama gonna do ‘bout her special needs?”  

 

“F your daughter, Carl!  Iam 27 years old and still in the 8 grade, what’s Osammy Davis Jr. gonna do ‘bout my special needs?”  

 

 

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The Secret Service announced yesterday that Governor Sarah Palin would be the first candidate to receive protection from a new, elite Secret Service division known as the Query Team.

 

Upon sighting a potential or actual “gotcha journalist”, agents of the Query Team alert other one another by shouting “Question!”—then shield the candidate with their bodies as fellow agents perform a ‘swarm maneuver’ on the suspect, taking them to the ground as quickly as possible.

 

Agents then remove all potential weapons from the detainee (or ‘new fish’, as they are referred to by the agents) such as pencils, pens, cell phones, and expensive watches and gold jewelry—provided McCain / Palin supporters haven’t already taken them.

 

Senator Larry Craig (R) of Idaho, upon hearing of the Query Team, flew to the Palin rally held this afternoon and attempted to ask Governor Palin numerous questions.

 

And since the people who attend McCain / Palin rallies could slip seamlessly into the rodeo scene of Borat’s last movie, I’ll save you reporters the trouble of a beating and give you their answers to your questions (regardless of what they may be):

 

“On acountta Barack Hussien Osama is a terrier and my children is ‘fraid of dogs what want to attack ‘Merica…”  

 

“As a goddam fearin’ Christain still recovering from our nation’s crystal meth problem, I do not have a mind to vote for anybody what can’t bowl a higher score than my water-headed cousin fiancée …”  

 

“I am worried ‘bout my family, specially my daughter who I think has fucking Tourette’s syndrome, what’s Osama gonna do ‘bout her special needs?”  

 

“F your daughter, Carl!  Iam 27 years old and still in the 8 grade, what’s Osammy Davis Jr. gonna do ‘bout my special needs?”  

 

 

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McCain Challenges Obama to an Actual Duel.

As Obama and McCain duel over the economy with words, a heated McCain / Palin rally led to the following pronouncement:

“My friends,” McCain (of course) said, “I have decided to go old school on Obama’s you-know-what!”

The crowd of 20 people, mostly illegal aliens trucked in from the closest Home Depot, roared with approval. “Obama si est terrorista!” they shouted, and by doing so collected an extra 50 cents each because that was all the McCain campaign could raise that morning—due mostly to Sarah Palin’s refusal to continue to flash truckers at the local ‘Rest Stop’ once her children and Todd Palin arrived.

“Mi Amigos,” McCain continued on, on advice from Joe Lieberman who was standing by as usual, “Obama-o is-o no-o correct-o for-o Am-a-rika.”

To reporters, McCain said this: “My fellow prsioners, I challenge Senator Obama to a duel to defend not my honor, but the honor of my fair lady… … ah, … Julie Andrews…”

…Joe Lieberman again stepped forward and whispered something into McCain’s ear, tempted as always to stick his tongue in it.

McCain sighed heavily. “Of course, I mean, Sarah Palin – to defend her honor, which is evaporating even as we speak.”

Joe winced, and then applauded along with the crowd who were given another quarter from his own pocket to do so.

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