Category Archives: Hillary Clinton

First Michigan Republican Spotted in Over 2 Weeks

DETROIT – A biologist has confirmed the sighting of a Republican, the small-brained but divisive animal known for its vicious attacks, about 2 weeks after the species was last seen in the state attempting to convince voters there that it knows how to “fix” things other than past elections. Polls show that voters in Michigan essentially adopted the animal as their unofficial State “Bird” by giving the creature the middle finger.

 

The Republican, a member of the weasel family, grows to about 380 pounds when on pain-killers and is ferocious enough to fight off gays, children left behind, persons on Medicare, and the millions who’ve lost jobs in the past 7 years. It once ranged across the southern and mid-western United States but is now limited mostly to lobbyist fund raising parties, Bob Jones College, and Men’s Public Restrooms. In the past is was occasionally sighted at Texas Air National Guard drills, but exhibited AWOL behavior whenever drug testing was present.

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Mickey Mouse Denounces ACORN.

After the 80-year-old Disney star’s name was found on an ACORN voter registration list, Mickey Mouse held a press conference denouncing the ACORN organization as giant vote fraud scheme.

 

“Ah, Hi!” Mickey said to reporters, “I’m here to tell all of you boys and girls that Mickey is voting for John McCain! Yeeah! ACORN claimed it signed me up to vote, but it’s not true – it’s all a scheme to steal the election. I’m voting for John McCain ‘cause Sarah Palin’s got a nice ass.”

 

Mickey was joined by five of the Seven Dwarfs in a show at a McCain / Palin rally this morning. On stage were Bashful, Sleepy, Dopey, Grumpy, and Sleazy (who recently changed his name from Sleepy to reflect his support of the Republican presidential campaign).

 

In exchange for the five Dwarfs support, Sarah Palin gave them all a special treat. All at the same time. This broke Sarah’s personal record–for dwarfs. She also promised to name her next five children after them, which wasn’t really that big of a deal because she was going to do that anyway.

 

The other two remaining Seven Dwarfs, Doc (who’s educated) and Happy, are both Obama supporters.

 

With this sudden and surprising jump in the polls among Disney cartoon characters, John McCain immediately rolled out his typical Pander Express stump speech (with just a hint of racism): “My cartoon friends,” McCain told a rally of cardboard cutouts of Disney characters he hastily assembled for reporters, “Senator Obama is just like ‘Jafar’ in your creator’s 1992 movie, Aladdin. And he is bent on the destruction of Snow White’s all across this great land.”

 

Campaign ‘aides’ dressed as nurses then subdued McCain and led him away.

 

It is now rumored that Oliver Stone is set to direct a Disney movie about the McCain / Palin campaign tentatively titled, “An Extremely Goofy Campaign”. Sarah Palin will be portrayed by Cruella De Vil, while the part of John McCain will be played by Scrooge McDuck.

Republican Deer Hunters are Homophobic.

Why? Because they only shoot deer because deer ‘prance’. And they HATE that!

 

They imagine that anything that ‘prancies’ must be gay, when it might just be ‘happy’…  

 

(Note: something or someone could be both happy and gay [in the modern sense of the word] and still not prance; prancing is not exclusive to either happy, gay creatures or happy, hetrosexual beings. Your results may vary. I’m getting confused. Consult your physican if you experience prancing that lasts for more than four hours as it may be a sign of something a doctor would like to charge you for.)

 

…but like most homophobes, the root of their fear is actually a projection of their fear of their own latent homosexuality.

 

Case in point: Some hunters are so afraid they’ll look gay if they dress in a nice sweater and a pair of wool slacks that they develop Chronic Fatigues Syndrome and will wear nothing but camouflage.

 

And my advice to you is never, never, never let a Republican deer hunter near Lipizzan horses while they are performing —they’ll kill every one of them.

 

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Sarah Divorces Todd Over His Unusal Porn Collection.

It is six years since the election of 2008. John McCain has retired from the Senate and spends most of his days contemplating who the strange lady sleeping next to him is. She calls herself ‘Cindy’. Is she my mother? Sarah and Todd’s marriage could not stand the pressure of her failed bid to become president of the Wasilla PTA and they are now divorced.

 

Sarah obtained a restraining order against Todd after she discovered his secret porn stash of alternative lifestyle ‘fly fishing’ photos and pictures of men paddling without a canoe.

 

Todd was very upset with Sarah. The restraining order meant that Todd could not take his son, Trig, on his first deer hunt. Trig was already six-years-old—and should, by Alaskan Republican standards—have already have killed his first deer. Since this had not yet happened, Todd was concerned that this would forever emotionally scar his son. Todd feared that his son would never be initiated into the folds of the hunter-sportsbar tribe.

 

So, at considerable personal pain, despite the very hard feelings he had for Sarah, he wrote a letter to his ex-wife, explaining to her how important this hunt was to Trig’s development and instructing her how she could introduce Trig to his first deer hunt.

 

Here then, is that letter.

 

Dear Sarah,

 

I hope that this letter finds you and Trig well. Since I am unable to be there as promised, I am relying on you —and Trig is relying on you —to fulfill the promise I made to our son regarding his first deer hunt. The first day of deer hunting season is fast approaching

and I do not want to carry the thought in my heart that our son will miss it. Please do not disappoint our son—soon to be your little man. I know that you have never really participated in hunting of any kind and do not know how to use a gun; therefore, I have listed below what you need to do and pray that you follow my advice.

 

On the first day of deer hunting season it will be cold, so dress accordingly. Remember that fur coat the GOP bought you in 2008? Wear it hunting!!! That should keep you comfy. And don’t forget a hat, either. That one you wear every Christmas, the one with the huge, fuzzy antlers — you always looked so cute in that — will work just fine, I hope.

 

Load a gun for Trig before you get to the spot for hunting, it’s too much trouble to do that after you’re there, and let him carry it in his lap while you drive, so he gets use to it on the way. And take the old pick-up truck with the really bad shocks. 

 

Drive to the woods, out off highway 12, but not until five or six o’clock in the afternoon. Here’s a secret to finding an area with plenty of deer: pull over wherever you see at least three trucks along the side of the road. I remember how you use to continually say over and over again, “one shouldn’t choose to eat at a restaurant with an empty parking lot”. Well, the same is also true for deer hunting—you shouldn’t go hunting in an area where there aren’t already many, many eager hunters —that means deer are close by.

 

Deer are frightened away by the human female scent, while bears—especially grizzlies (and I’m told there are some in those woods) are attracted by the human female scent, so spread some maple syrup across your cheeks and neck. This not only will mask your scent, but it is the best bear repellent I know of.

 

As Trig’s mentor, you must lead the way. Don’t forget your coat and hat! And stay low. Have Trig climb a tree about 100 yards away so he can better spot any deer. Once you have found a thickly wooded spot far into the forest, find some bushes to crawl into and wait there. Occasionally it is helpful to make a ‘deer-call’ by creating some snorting noises with your throat.

 

Good luck and good hunting—I hope.

 

Best regards,

Todd

 

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Mickey Mouse Denounces ACORN, Endorses McCain / Palin ‘E’ Ticket

After the 80-year-old Disney star’s name was found on an ACORN voter registration list, Mickey Mouse held a press conference denouncing the ACORN organization as giant vote fraud scheme.

 

“Ah, Hi!” Mickey said to reporters, “I’m here to tell all of you boys and girls that Mickey is voting for John McCain! Yeeah! ACORN claimed it signed me up to vote, but it’s not true – it’s all a scheme to steal the election. I’m voting for John McCain ‘cause Sarah Palin’s got a nice ass.”

 

Mickey was joined by five of the Seven Dwarfs in a show at a McCain / Palin rally this morning. On stage were Bashful, Sleepy, Dopey, Grumpy, and Sleazy (who recently changed his name from Sleepy to reflect his support of the Republican presidential campaign).

 

In exchange for the five Dwarfs support, Sarah Palin gave them all a special treat. All at the same time. This broke Sarah’s personal record–for dwarfs. She also promised to name her next five children after them, which wasn’t really that big of a deal because she was going to do that anyway.

 

The other two remaining Seven Dwarfs, Doc (who’s educated) and Happy, are both Obama supporters.

 

With this sudden and surprising jump in the polls among Disney cartoon characters, John McCain immediately rolled out his typical Pander Express stump speech (with just a hint of racism): “My cartoon friends,” McCain told a rally of cardboard cutouts of Disney characters he hastily assembled for reporters, “Senator Obama is just like ‘Jafar’ in your creator’s 1992 movie, Aladdin. And he is bent on the destruction of Snow White’s all across this great land.”

 

Campaign ‘aides’ dressed as nurses then subdued McCain and led him away.

 

It is now rumored that Oliver Stone is set to direct a Disney movie about the McCain / Palin campaign tentatively titled, “An Extremely Goofy Campaign”. Sarah Palin will be portrayed by Cruella De Vil, while the part of John McCain will be played by Scrooge McDuck.

 

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Palin Booted Off “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader” After First Question.

Question: Brandon Garcia (in the third grade) wants to know, “What does the Vice President do?”

 

PALIN: That’s something that Piper would ask me! … They’re in charge of the U.S. Senate so if they want to they can really get in there with the senators and make a lot of good policy changes… 

 

Ehhhhh! Sorry Sarah, wrong guess. Would you like to go for Double Jeopardy where the scores can really change?

 

Can you imagine Sarah Palin (if she were elected VP) marching into a Senate Committee meeting, announcing, “Guys and gals, I’m Sarah Palin, yer new boss – perhaps you’ve heard of me. Now, here’s what we should do–“ 

 

And just about that time, the Senate security guards arrive and drag her away. Priceless. 

 

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New Jersey’s GOP Issues Warning to Palin.

Madonn’, whatta you thinkin’? Did you go oobatz or what? Wheredoyou get the stugats big enough to contradict the Boss, huh? Do you want a Republican version of Luca Brasi knocking on your hotel door in the middle of the night? First you contradict the Maverick and say we oughtta launch a hit against Bin Laden while he’s on neutral turf IF his exact whereabouts where known to U.S. forces. What you fail to understand is that we don’t wanna make a move against him yet – he’s a big earner for our Republican family, capiche?

Then you back talk him again by opening your big yap about how robocalls are wrong, and now you squeal like a stinkin’ rat about supporting a constitutional amendment banning fanuk’s gettin’ married when you know the big man doesn’t want the Fed’s involved in them matters – leave to the locals, he said a hundred times!

If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you was trying to make a mark for yourself cause you figure this election’s over and now you want to start your own campaign for 2012. You think you’re smart enough to fool a McCain? Don’t ever think you can pull that Joey Zaza crap on a guy like John, sweetpants.

Are you asking to ‘run into a door’? Did you not see what happened to Cindy? If he could do that to his own wife — who he loves very dearly — simply because she left the toothpaste cap off the tube, whatta ya think’s gonna happen to you, huh?

So unless you want to follow in her footsteps and spend a lot of time consulting with Señor Percocet Vicodin, you’d better smarten up.

‘Amore a prima vista’ only lasts so long, sweetheart, as you’d know if you looked at your frickin’ poll numbers lately.

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