Category Archives: GOP convention

Anchorage Daily News Says Palin’s Response to Troopergate Report is “Orwellian” – Palin Says She’s from Wasilla, Not Orwell, Alaska.

Sarah Palin responded to this article by calling a press conference this morning:

“Good morning, hope ya all had a good breakfeast. Todd made me some eggs.

Ok then, once again, an elite, eastern coast of Alaska newspaper –this time the Anchorage Daily News — has decided to attack me without getting their facts straight. They reported today that my response to the Troopergate report is “Orwellian”. Well, I guess the laugh is on them now isn”t it? By now, I”d guess that just about everybody in the entire United Sates of America knows who Sarah Palin is and that I come from Wasilla, Alaska, not Orwell, Alaska.

Heck, Orwell is at least 1,000 miles northwest of Wasilla! So, I guess that’s some pretty shoddy reporting on their part, ya think? And if they got that obvious fact wrong, I guess the rest of their story is pretty much made of the same thing I found in Trig”s diaper ’bout an hour ago.

That”s all I really had to say. Thanks a bunch.”

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As a Truly ‘Special Needs’ Person, Palin is Now Protected From “Gotcha Journalists” By New Secret Service Team.

The Secret Service announced yesterday that Governor Sarah Palin would be the first candidate to receive protection from a new, elite Secret Service division known as the Query Team.

 

Upon sighting a potential or actual “gotcha journalist”, agents of the Query Team alert other one another by shouting “Question!” —then shield the candidate with their bodies as fellow agents perform a ‘swarm maneuver’ on the suspect, taking them to the ground as quickly as possible.

 

Agents then remove all potential weapons from the detainee (or ‘new fish’, as they are referred to by the agents) such as pencils, pens, cell phones, and expensive watches and gold jewelry —provided McCain / Palin supporters haven’t already taken them.

 

Senator Larry Craig (R) of Idaho, upon hearing of the Query Team, flew to the Palin rally held this afternoon and attempted to ask Governor Palin numerous questions.

 

And since the people who attend McCain / Palin rallies could slip seamlessly into the rodeo scene of Borat’s last movie, I’ll save you reporters the trouble of a beating and give you their answers to your questions (regardless of what they may be):

 

“On acountta Barack Hussien Osama is a terrier and my children is ‘fraid of dogs what want to attack ‘Merica…”  

 

“As a goddam fearin’ Christain still recovering from our nation’s crystal meth problem, I do not have a mind to vote for anybody what can’t bowl a higher score than my water-headed cousin fiancée …”  

 

“I am worried ‘bout my family, specially my daughter who I think has fucking Tourette’s syndrome, what’s Osama gonna do ‘bout her special needs?”  

 

“F your daughter, Carl!  Iam 27 years old and still in the 8 grade, what’s Osammy Davis Jr. gonna do ‘bout my special needs?”  

 

 

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The Secret Service announced yesterday that Governor Sarah Palin would be the first candidate to receive protection from a new, elite Secret Service division known as the Query Team.

 

Upon sighting a potential or actual “gotcha journalist”, agents of the Query Team alert other one another by shouting “Question!”—then shield the candidate with their bodies as fellow agents perform a ‘swarm maneuver’ on the suspect, taking them to the ground as quickly as possible.

 

Agents then remove all potential weapons from the detainee (or ‘new fish’, as they are referred to by the agents) such as pencils, pens, cell phones, and expensive watches and gold jewelry—provided McCain / Palin supporters haven’t already taken them.

 

Senator Larry Craig (R) of Idaho, upon hearing of the Query Team, flew to the Palin rally held this afternoon and attempted to ask Governor Palin numerous questions.

 

And since the people who attend McCain / Palin rallies could slip seamlessly into the rodeo scene of Borat’s last movie, I’ll save you reporters the trouble of a beating and give you their answers to your questions (regardless of what they may be):

 

“On acountta Barack Hussien Osama is a terrier and my children is ‘fraid of dogs what want to attack ‘Merica…”  

 

“As a goddam fearin’ Christain still recovering from our nation’s crystal meth problem, I do not have a mind to vote for anybody what can’t bowl a higher score than my water-headed cousin fiancée …”  

 

“I am worried ‘bout my family, specially my daughter who I think has fucking Tourette’s syndrome, what’s Osama gonna do ‘bout her special needs?”  

 

“F your daughter, Carl!  Iam 27 years old and still in the 8 grade, what’s Osammy Davis Jr. gonna do ‘bout my special needs?”  

 

 

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Palin Should Be Appointed ‘Supreme Court Jester’.

You librals really make me sick. This is total BS.

I researched the Sarah Palin’s education and she took a course called “You and the Law” at Boise State Community College in the spring of 1987, again in the fall of 1987, and then again in the spring of 1988, when she obtained an official course completion status of “pass”. According to the course description still on file at the college, at least one full day was spent reviewing Supreme Court cases, so she got three times the experience of the average person what took that class.

And I’ve seen the interview tapes and Palin named several cases other than Roe v. Wade. 

Here’s the official transcript in question:

Couric: “Can you name some other important Supreme Court cases besides Roe v. Wade?”

Palin: “Well, you betcha, I certainly could.”

 

A LONG, UNCOMFORTABLE PAUSE.

 

Couric: “Well, what cases would those be?”

Palin: “Well, those would be some pretty important cases to be sure, and that”s why – ah, the Supreme Court has them. Ah, like your Kramer vs. Kramer. I believe that case dealt with child custody for a couple of those Hollywood actor types. They later made it into pretty darn good movie, I can tell you that much. And, ah, well, more recently there was Freddy vs. Jason. That case involved some pretty extensive aggravated assault, as I recall…”

So, you librals aren”t as smart as you think you are!
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Damn, It Feels Good to Be a Prisoner… Why McCain is Losing, and ‘Losing It’…

 

McCain, sounding a bit like Colonel Saito in the Best Picture of 1957, ‘Bridge on the River Kwai’, essential told a rally this morning: “You Are Not Citizens, You Are Prisoners!”

 

I now know why McCain is losing this election: He has seen this movie a dozen too many times and is basing his campaign on it.

 

All he needed to explain his economic policy was another line from the movie: “Be Happy in Your Work.”

 

The Bridge on the River Kwai ranks as one of the greatest films of all time. The movie opens in a Japanese prisoner-of-war camp in Burma in 1943, where a battle of wills rages between camp commander Colonel Saito (Sessue Hayakawa) and newly arrived British colonel Nicholson (Alec Guinness – yes, that’s the guy who later played “Ben” Obi-Wan Kenobi in Star Wars ). Saito insists that Nicholson order his men to build a bridge over the river Kwai, which will be used to transport Japanese munitions. Nicholson refuses, despite all the various “persuasive” devices at Saito’s disposal. Finally, Nicholson agrees, not so much to cooperate with his captor as to provide a morale-boosting project for the military engineers under his command. The colonel will prove that, by building a better bridge than Saito’s men could build, the British soldier is a superior being even when under the thumb of the enemy. As the bridge goes up, Nicholson becomes obsessed with completing it to perfection, eventually losing sight of the fact that it will benefit the Japanese. Meanwhile, American POW Shears (William Holden), having escaped from the camp, agrees to save himself from a court martial by leading a group of British soldiers back to the camp to destroy Nicholson’s bridge. Upon his return, Shears realizes that Nicholson’s mania to complete his project has driven him mad.

 

Great movie (destined to be remade someday), but not a campaign strategy.

 

However, the film’s closing line: “Madness…Madness” seems appropriate.

 

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Palin Accuses Obama of Using His Grandfather as Surfboard.

 “My amigos,” Palin told an crowd of illegal aliens paid to listen to her speak, “this here picture of a young Obama in Hawaii with his grandfather may look endearing, but the real deal here is that he forced his grandfather into submission, with the aid of another child seen in the background — carrying what looks to me to be a hockey stick — and then used his poor grandfather as a surfboard for several hours without allowing him to come up for air even once.

 

Doesn’t this demonstrate a lack of good moral judgment? O you betcha!”

 

The illegal aliens were then paid to say, “terrorista”.

 

“That’s right, Jose -,” Palin continued, “- somebody give Jose there another quarter, wouldya? And ya know what else? Some people say that Obama, if elected, will force white, elderly people to become flotation devices for inner-city black children.

 

All I can say is Joe Biden, beware!”

 

 

 

Thousands of “American Flags” Condoms Found Discarded in Trash After GOP Convention.

The Republicans have hit a new low.

Friday morning, the sanitation crew at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport discovered thousands of used, discarded American flag-colored condoms in the men’s room trash bins. The condoms found are sold under the brand name “American Flags”, and are sometimes referred to as ‘Zachary Taylor’s’ by Republican men because that president’s nickname was ‘Old Rough and Ready’.

Reports indicate that moments after John McCain’s acceptance speech Thursday night, throngs of Republican men wearing thongs headed to the airport’s facilities where they engaged numerous ‘wide stance’ activities, including a dance called the “Larry Craig Dropped Pants Shuffle”.

Discarding of American flag motif condoms in this manner violates traditional, patriotic etiquette. Such items are to be burned after use, especially when used by Republicans, due to the likely presence of dangerous contagions.

For shame, Republicans, for shame.

The good news is that these patriotic symbols of the Republican Party were saved by a local Boy Scout troop. The boys will tie the red, white, and blue condoms to tiny sticks so that they can be distributed and waived at the McCain / Palin rally in Colorado Springs later in the week.

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McCain Threatens to “Snap” Palin’s Neck!

 

 

 

Sarah Palin received a text message from Steve Schmidt, former spokesman for President Bush’s re-election campaign, now in charge of the McCain presidential campaign.

 

“Sarah, hello. Let’s try to all get along, OK? Let me explain what happened. Yesterday, you mentioned several words in the same sentence, and John got upset. I know you were talking about the need for change in Washington and how John McCain could do that and you mentioned you had a lot of experience with changing things, especially diapers, but John is a little hard of hearing and with the crowd’s applause and all the noise, he evidently only heard something about ‘change’, ‘McCain’, and ‘diapers’, and he thought you were bringing up something very personal that I’d rather not go into right now. That’s why after you were done, when he spoke, he looked at Bristol’s tummy and said, “Boy, I sure like PREGGO Italian Sauces!” He didn’t mean it, he just gets a little juvenile sometimes when he thinks someone, especially a woman, is giving him back-talk or criticism or looking at him in any way that might be perceived as “disgusted”, or if he’s a little constipated. He didn’t mean to grab a fist full of your hair and threaten to snap your neck. So take it with a grain of road salt and put your big-girl panties on. 

 

BTW, I know that I don’t have to tell you to stay low and avoid the press – we can’t have you talking to anyone about the federal investigation, the affair (I’m not saying you had one), Bristol, foreign policy, NAFTA, NADA! I mean you stay INVISIBLE unless we are around! You have to be harder to find than Saddam Bin Laden, understand? – Steve.”