A Brief History of Republicans…

This is by no means a comprehensive listing of influential Republicans throughout history, but a brief listing to warn you that while very soon Republicans will no longer be in charge of America, they are not going away because they have always been with us.

 

Delightless   – The first woman hired by the Philistines to defeat Samson. Got drunk and shaved her own head by mistake.

 

Larryzotec    – Aztec god of Republicans whose followers where told that snorting paprika would lead to mystical experiences, but actually resulted in severe sinus infections.

  

Genghis the Purger   – Grandfather of Genghis Khan.  Driven by an enormous eating disorder, he was the first person to conquer Mongolia.  His advisors warned him that it was nothing but a huge frozen desert.  He thought they said dessert.

 

Lyle Columbus   – Jealous brother of Christopher.  Set sail in 1493, also to prove the world was round—but by sailing north.  Ship found inside a glacier in 1973.

 

Elmo Smith   – American religious leader, founded the Church of Pessimism.  Predicted the end of the world in 1823, 1824, 1825, 1826—shot  and hanged by his followers 1827.

 

Jack ‘the Kipper’   – Dangerous Loser who crept about the low streets of London at night, gutting fish and throwing them at constables.

 

Whydini  “the Republican Magician”   – Attempted to gain fame by escaping from his angry mother-in-law while they were both immersed in a barrel of petroleum jelly.

 

Carl der Verlierer   (Carl the Republican)   – German pacifist, 1866 – 1943.  Opened several small pacifist shops in Berlin which all failed, forcing him into a severe depression; soon afterward launched a surprise invasion in his living room, declaring war on himself and losing.

 

“Cuckoo Channel” Gandhi    – Mahatma Gandhi’s sister and fashion consultant.  Only Gandhi ever to have a weight problem. Created a critically panned ready-to-wear sari collection in British flag motifs. 

 

Loretta Loser   – Country singer who was blackballed from the industry when she performed her only song, Daddy Drank and Momma Worshipped Satan, at the Grand Ole Oprey.

 

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