McCain Announces Plan for Off-Planet Oil Drilling.

Senator John McCain held a press conference from the front lawn of his home in Arizona this morning, announcing a bold new energy plan for America.

“My friends, if the Democrat controlled Congress and Barrack Hussein Obama would kindly tip their hats and step out of the way, America’s dependence on foreign oil could be eliminated by allowing companies to begin off-planet oil drilling. As president, I will direct all of America’s energies towards such a goal. And I do mean ALL. There will be no slackers once I am in charge. I will even offer a $10,000 reward for the first person to venture into space and return safely to Earth with a gallon of extraterrestrial bubblin’ crude—oil that is—black gold, Texas tea.

This program will not be easy, my friends; it will not be a summer picnic where everyone sits around roasting marshmallows and singing ‘Cumbayá’ while their little free-range brats scamper to and fro without care or concern that they may be bothering me with their ear-splitting squealing about there being ants on their sandwiches. No sir, it’s a teeth-clinching, jaw-tightening event that makes you want to either reach for some piano-wire or start snapping necks. But once we have found oil on another planet, or perhaps on a nearby comet, our long national nightmare and what I personally believe to be a Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify the precious bodily fluids of the American people’s automobiles with fluoridated water—I mean foreign oil—will have ended and we can once again be the nation we all remember before Franklin Delano Roosevelt ruined it. Thank you, and God Bless.”

Senator McCain then looked up from the page he was reading from and his eyes briefly turned into those of a dead fish before re-awakening with alarm.

“I smell bacon! What are you people doing on my lawn?”

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