Mann Coulter’s Jaws Wired Shut! (at last…)

 

OmyGawd, Mann, I’m sooooo surry you’re jaws are like wired shut and everything. I guess you did it on purpose because you think you’re too faaat and that all gummy bear diet didn’t work.

 

Well, you’re right, you are too fat. Everytime I see you I think, like, what a huge cow, my gwad.

 

So I think you should like keep your jaws wired shut for about 10 years. And then there’s that pesky foreskin that keeps growing back like a lizard’s tail. Oooo, gross. Well, I guess that’s what happens when you have your sex-change operation done by an Appalachian mountain woman.

 

Can I ask you something personal? What’s up with the Adam’s apple? Your attempts at hiding it with make-up remind me of that scene in Roxanne when Steve Martin tries to downplay his Cyrano schnozz with some dark shading cosmetics. Except your Adam’s apple in real life is bigger than his nose in that movie.

 

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Palin: “Cowards and Jerks and Meannies” O My!

Caribou Klaus Barbie is now whining about what McCain staffers are saying about her.

 

Well, welcome to the National Republican Party, Sarah! You fit Reich in.

 

“They are a bunch of Blue Meanies!” Palin told reporters. “So I spent some money? Big F’ing deal! TOOOOOOOODD!!! MAKE THEM STOP!!! I HOPE GOD BLESSES YOU ALL WITH STOMACH CANCER!!!” 

 

Palin then ran away, wearing Gucci Royal Mid Heel Pumps, available at all Neocon Marcus stores, $495.00.

 

This morning, McCain campaigners also revealed additional items Palin spent money on:

 

Silk G-string underwear (for Todd): $5,000

Solid gold ice hockey goalie mask: $12,000

Electric sled-dog polisher: $26,000

 

Watching the Retardicans self-implode: Priceless.

 

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Palin Votes, Goofs Up on Ballot – Writes in “The Maverick”…

When reporters asked Sarah Palin who she voted for, she initially refused to answer any questions, but then remembered that the campaign is over and she no longer has to worry about sounding foolish. So she stop worrying and started sounding foolish.

 

“O, I voted for ‘The Maverick’ a course,” Palin told reporters. “Funny thing is, I didn’t see him on the ballot, so I fixed that little glitch by writing ‘The Maverick’ on my ballot. You’d think that after all the times I’d told people we gotta send the Maverick to Washington, they’d a figured that out and put his name on the ballot.”

 

When a reporter explained to her that nicknames don’t count, she replied, “Dooh!” and tried to re-enter the voting booth but was stopped by election judges.

 

The voting booth she used was created for her by Louis Vuitton and cost $287,000. After the election, Palin said it will be donated as a shelter to a homeless Wasillan family.

 

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10,000 Mickey Mouses Cast Votes in Orlando, Florida.

Just as the Right Wing Nuts predicted, voter fraud is rampant in Florida today.

 

In addition to the 10,000 Mickey’s, exit polls show that nearly 10 million Dumbo’s will vote for John McCain, and 15 million Elmer Fudd’s for Palin.

 

With this sudden and surprising shift to McCain among Disney cartoon characters, John McCain immediately seized the opportunity to get them to vote: “My cartoon friends,” McCain told a rally of cardboard cutouts of Disney characters he hastily assembled for reporters, “Senator Obama is just like ‘Jafar’ in Disney’s 1992 movie, Aladdin. And he is bent on the destruction of Snow White’s all across this great country.”

 

Campaign ‘aides’ dressed as nurses then subdued McCain and led him away.

 

It is now rumored that Oliver Stone is set to direct a Disney movie about the McCain / Palin campaign tentatively titled, “An Extremely Goofy Campaign”. Sarah Palin will be portrayed by Cruella De Vil, while the part of John McCain will be played by Scrooge McDuck.