Palin: “The Founding Fathers were Gay Communists.”

 

“They wore wigs and established what they called ‘free public education’,” Palin told a crowd of near-mutants. “Even people who didn’t have children had to contribute tax money to pay for the education of the community’s children—I’m not making this stuff up—and I saw it in a movie once were George Washington was writing a letter with a pen that had a big feather on it. How gay is that?”

 

Someone in the crowd then yelled, “Washington was a fag!”

 

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After the Election: Sarah Palin Becomes Wasilla Real Estate Agent

  Make your covenant with this beautiful 3-bedroom home just as God did with the house of Israel!  Professionally landscraped yard— amenities include curbside mailbox. Sign stating “This is no longer a meth lab” included.

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  “Blessed are the peacemakers” and blessed is the deal you can swing on this fabulous home—large family room, formal dining room, eat-in kitchen and den. Other features include walk-in closets and walk-through walls.

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  This two story detached, freestanding home built in 1942 is a home to die for and be born-again!  It has 1.5 bedrooms, 1.2 baths and is approximately 800 sq. ft. when weather permits.

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“Like a wise man who built his house upon the rock” you’ll have lots to be thankful for in this attached townhouse with a formal dining room, community hotplate, ceiling fan, vaulted ceilings, and window treatments (screens). Priced to go faster than the saved during the Rapture!               

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  Go ahead, pass judgment on this house! By outward appearances it has a recently re-landscaped yard, retention pond / jacuzzi. Your soul will be warmed by the huge fireplace in the kitchen / bathroom.

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“He will never permit the righteous to be moved” UNLESS they see this gorgeous 2-story detached home built in 1932 with a bedroom. Just a short walk to community bathroom.

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 You won’t have to covet your neighbor’s house after you move into this dazzling .5-bedroom home! With nearly 500-sq. ft. of living space, you’ll be the envy of nonbelievers for miles around. Includes a formal dining room, breakfast nook, den/office, and clothes line. Custom cabinetry in the family room that would make the Carpenter of Bethlehem blush.

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“Be patient, therefore, brethren, until the coming of the Lord”—but don’t wait too long!—these premier homes will go fast!

 

Call Sarah Palin’s Fisher of Men Reality today! 666-666-666!

 

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Sarah Palin on Torture: Perform Water-Boarding and Forced Baptism at the Same Time.

At a campaign rally this morning, Sarah Palin offered a compromise to the controversy regarding the torture of ‘War on Terror’ detainees. She proposed to add forced baptism to all U.S. DoD water boarding procedures.

 “This way, we will be learning how they plan on attacking us and saving their souls at the same time,” Palin told a cheering crowd of near-mutants. “As we make our country safer, we can also send the souls of terrorists to Heaven and thereby lessen the number of demons who’ll rise up from the depths of hell on the day of Armageddon and walk the Earth and try to eat our children’s brains.”

 

Sarah Palin’s ‘Pit-Bull with Lipstick’ Collection at Walmart.

After Obama and Biden have won the election, and before she returns to Artic Circle anonymity, Sarah Palin will be approached by Wal-Mart to develop a fashion and accessories line based on her ‘pit-bull with lipstick’ style.

For example, unlike factory-made shoes in China, a pair of Sarah Palin’s Baby Harp Seal shoes will be hand-made and uniquely crafted—and, for an additional charge—the customer can even fly to Alaska to meet, bond with, and then club the very seal to be used in the making of their shoes. This would take place during the annual Running of the Baby Harp Seals event held each spring in Wasilla.

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“The reason the Republicans found Joe the Plumber was to find someone hanging around a toilet other than Larry Craig.”

Thanks for that laugh, James Carville!

A Beautiful Map: Obama now has a projected 375 Electoral College Votes.

If we Democrats all vote, Obama will win in a landslide. Here’s the link to one of my favorite websites:

http://www.electoral-vote.com/

First Michigan Republican Spotted in Over 2 Weeks

DETROIT – A biologist has confirmed the sighting of a Republican, the small-brained but divisive animal known for its vicious attacks, about 2 weeks after the species was last seen in the state attempting to convince voters there that it knows how to “fix” things other than past elections. Polls show that voters in Michigan essentially adopted the animal as their unofficial State ”Bird” by giving the creature the middle finger.

 

The Republican, a member of the weasel family, grows to about 380 pounds when on pain-killers and is ferocious enough to fight off gays, children left behind, persons on Medicare, and the millions who’ve lost jobs in the past 7 years. It once ranged across the southern and mid-western United States but is now limited mostly to lobbyist fund raising parties, Bob Jones College, and Men’s Public Restrooms. In the past is was occasionally sighted at Texas Air National Guard drills, but exhibited AWOL behavior whenever drug testing was present.

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Joe the Brother Cuts and Runs

“Do you know who I am!?” Joe the Brother screamed into the phone at the office on the other end.

 

“No, sir, but if you’ll tell me it for the arrest warrant I’m about to write, I’d much appreciate it,” the officer SHOULD have said, and sent a patrol car to his hotel room where they would have found Joe the Brother drunk, naked, and watching a movie called “The Butt Ultimatum”.

 

But I digress: Do we really want a President with a brother who’s middle name is “PINCKNEY”?

 

Maybe that’s why he’s a hot-head too. That middle name probably made him a popular target in grade school. I imagine him on the playground, dressed like Gainsborough’s The Blue Boy. That would turn anyone into a cranky old F&^%er.

 

Anyway, because of this latest FUBAR, he’s out. “I feel terrible about having hurt the campaign over this incident,” he said. “I won’t be doing any more campaigning because of that.”

 

Don’t worry about it Joe the Brother, it’s hard to hurt a train wreck.

 

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Mickey Mouse Denounces ACORN.

After the 80-year-old Disney star’s name was found on an ACORN voter registration list, Mickey Mouse held a press conference denouncing the ACORN organization as giant vote fraud scheme.

 

“Ah, Hi!” Mickey said to reporters, “I’m here to tell all of you boys and girls that Mickey is voting for John McCain! Yeeah! ACORN claimed it signed me up to vote, but it’s not true – it’s all a scheme to steal the election. I’m voting for John McCain ‘cause Sarah Palin’s got a nice ass.”

 

Mickey was joined by five of the Seven Dwarfs in a show at a McCain / Palin rally this morning. On stage were Bashful, Sleepy, Dopey, Grumpy, and Sleazy (who recently changed his name from Sleepy to reflect his support of the Republican presidential campaign).

 

In exchange for the five Dwarfs support, Sarah Palin gave them all a special treat. All at the same time. This broke Sarah’s personal record–for dwarfs. She also promised to name her next five children after them, which wasn’t really that big of a deal because she was going to do that anyway.

 

The other two remaining Seven Dwarfs, Doc (who’s educated) and Happy, are both Obama supporters.

 

With this sudden and surprising jump in the polls among Disney cartoon characters, John McCain immediately rolled out his typical Pander Express stump speech (with just a hint of racism): “My cartoon friends,” McCain told a rally of cardboard cutouts of Disney characters he hastily assembled for reporters, “Senator Obama is just like ‘Jafar’ in your creator’s 1992 movie, Aladdin. And he is bent on the destruction of Snow White’s all across this great land.”

 

Campaign ‘aides’ dressed as nurses then subdued McCain and led him away.

 

It is now rumored that Oliver Stone is set to direct a Disney movie about the McCain / Palin campaign tentatively titled, “An Extremely Goofy Campaign”. Sarah Palin will be portrayed by Cruella De Vil, while the part of John McCain will be played by Scrooge McDuck.

Republican Deer Hunters are Homophobic.

Why? Because they only shoot deer because deer ‘prance’. And they HATE that!

 

They imagine that anything that ‘prancies’ must be gay, when it might just be ‘happy’…  

 

(Note: something or someone could be both happy and gay [in the modern sense of the word] and still not prance; prancing is not exclusive to either happy, gay creatures or happy, hetrosexual beings. Your results may vary. I’m getting confused. Consult your physican if you experience prancing that lasts for more than four hours as it may be a sign of something a doctor would like to charge you for.)

 

…but like most homophobes, the root of their fear is actually a projection of their fear of their own latent homosexuality.

 

Case in point: Some hunters are so afraid they’ll look gay if they dress in a nice sweater and a pair of wool slacks that they develop Chronic Fatigues Syndrome and will wear nothing but camouflage.

 

And my advice to you is never, never, never let a Republican deer hunter near Lipizzan horses while they are performing —they’ll kill every one of them.

 

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