McCain Campaign: “Sarah Palin Invented the iPhone”!

She did. The first one, just a protoype, a course. Heard she made it using pine needles and spare snowmobile parts and the hind leg of a moose she killed ’cause it was standing in her parking space at the Governor’s mansion. Funny thing is, she brought down an 800 pound bull moose by nagging it to death with nothing but her whiney voice. Ayeah. She just kept telling it, “Ya know, it’s a beautiful day, and here you are. Well? Don’tcha have anything to say for yerself? This isn’t the way we do things around here, no siree. Ya know, I could have you fired even if you don’t have a job – that’s who I am compared to you, Mr. Moose…”

 

That went on for about 45 minutes and finally the moose just slit its wrists. All four of them, a guess.

 

She has that effect, even on animals…

 

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Palin Can’t Name a Supreme Court Case Except Roe v. Wade? You Librals Make Me Sick! Sick I Say!

Boy, you librals really make me sick. This is total BS.

I researched the Sarah Palin”s education and she took a course called “You and the Law” at Boise State Community College in the spring of 1987, again in the fall of 1987, and then again in the spring of 1988, when she obtained an official course completion status of “pass”. According to the course description still on file at the college, at least one full day was spent reviewing Supreme Court cases, so she got three times the experience of the average person what took that class.

And I”ve seen the interview tapes and Palin named several cases other than Roe v. Wade.

Here”s the official transcript in question:

Couric: “Can you name some other important Supreme Court cases besides Roe v. Wade?”

Palin: “Well, you betcha, I certainly could.”

A long pause occurs.

Couric: “Well, what cases would those be?”

Palin: “Well, those would be some pretty important cases to be sure, and that”s why – ah, the Supreme Court has them. Ah, like your Kramer vs. Kramer. I believe that case dealt with child custody for a couple of those Hollywood actor types. They later made it into pretty darn good movie, I can tell you that much. And, ah, well, more recently there was Freddy vs. Jason. That case involved some pretty extensive aggravated assault, as I recall…”

So, you librals aren”t as smart as you think you are!

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Palin: “I’MBOUNDFORTHEPROMISEDLAND! HIMMNEE-MOMMA-BLAHBLAH, YA-YOUBETCHA!”

  

 

 

In an effort to silence critics who claim Palin is not qualified to be a heart beat away from the Presidency, the McCain campaign announced today that in all future interviews, including Thursday night’s Vice Presidential debate, Sarah Palin will ONLY speak in ‘Tongues’.

 

‘Tongues’, or Glossolalia, is practiced in many Pentecostal churches, including the one Palin belongs to in Wasilla, Alaska. As church member Caroline Cabinfever explained it to CNN, “When the spirit of the Lord comes on you, you utter things that nobody else can understand … only God can understand what is coming out of your mouth.”

 

“Up to this point,” a McCain campaign spokesperson told reporters, “we admit that we should have been upfront and clear about something: most of what Sarah Palin says is being spoken in Tongues. That’s why reporters often don’t understand her – it’s not that she doesn’t know what she’s talking about, it’s just that she loves Jesus, the Lord of our God, so very, very much. And, truthfully, the godless, liberal media doesn’t want to bother translating what she’s said into their elitist, Euro-trash English language.”

 

This new revelation may help Palin in several respects, an Obama spokesperson admitted.

 

“With this news, McCain and Palin will definitely lock up the vote in West Virginia. And during the debate Thursday night, with Joe Biden being a Catholic, if she starts babbling incoherently, he may demand equal time or an exorcism. That could disrupt the debate.”

 

When asked if Palin would be carrying snakes around her neck during the debate, a McCain spokesperson said, “that’s still being negotiated with the Obama campaign.”

 

 

 

McCain & Palin Now Want Debates Delayed Until After Election.

 

Their campaign offered this explanation:

 

“It is nearly the end of moose-season in Alaska and Governor Palin needs to bag one more big one so that she, her husband Todd, their children, Track, Bristol, Willow, the other daughter – we forget her name, Trig, and Bristol’s child-to-be-named-later, perhaps “Hockey Puck”, can sustain themselves this winter. With the way Bush has left things, we anticipate that there will not only be a great depression by December, but also the Russians will have invaded much of North America. Palin and her clan are stocking up and have begun referring to themselves as “The Wolverines”.

 

Sarah ‘Wolverine’ had this to say: “I am telling you now that by January, gold and young women will be the only currency, and people will have to return to their ancient roles of hunters, gatherers, and Libertarians. Dog and cats will be living together, possibly even marrying each other. Dick Cheney will declare himself ‘Emperor Zod of the Known Universe’ while he and Bush – dressed in a bellhop uniform – wander the wasteland on foot like something out of ‘The Road Warrior’. God Bless Alaska, and good luck.”

 

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McCain Suspends Friday’s Debate: CUTS ONE and RUNS!

John McCain announced today that he will suspend his campaign and asked that the first presidential debate be postponed, scheduled for Friday in Mississippi, in order to deal with the recent financial crisis. 

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“I am calling on the president to convene a meeting with the leadership from both houses of Congress, including Senator Obama and myself,” McCain said. “It is time for both parties to come together to solve this problem. Also, my butt would like to say something…”

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McCain then cut one and ran.

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Fourteen people were injured in the ensuing stampede for the doors and life-saving oxygen.

 

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McCain Wears $5,000 in Make-up; Still Looks Like Nosferatu.

 

McCain responded to reporters on this story:

 

“My friendssss, war is not pretty, and neither am I. And instead of another lecture on how I should spend my wife’s money, perhaps you people should print the truth for once. But you don”t want to print the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties you want me to wear $5,000 dollars of make-up, you need me to wear $5,000 dollars of make-up so you have something to write about in your snotty newspapers, and then giggle to yourselves like a group of little schoolgirls. I use words like “eye shadow”, “blush”, and “crushed mineral foundation”. I use them as the backbone of a life trying to look good at my age. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who writes and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom I once provided and then questions the manner in which I look good on TV. I would rather you just tipped your press hats, said “thank you,” and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest that you pick up a Mary Kay Compact Powder Brush and stand by a mirror. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think of you are entitled to!”

 

Palin on Kissinger: “I Met My First Jew Today, and He Didn’t Bite Me!”

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin met separately with Dr. Henry Kissinger today in order familiarize herself with world events considered by most as “common knowledge” before her debate with Joe Biden next week.

 

“I met my first Jew today,” Palin boasted, “and he didn’t bite me.”

 

The reason Palin met with Kissinger was to become “familiar with the ways of the warm-blooded flat-landers of the lower 48”, Palin explained.

 

Palin, as a member of the Alaskan Secessionist’s Movement (ASM), grew up in Alaska in a kind if self-imposed exile, cut-off from and completely rejecting American culture, according to Wolfy Van Slacker, an ASM spokesperson.

 

“Heck yeah we pretty much don’t care what goes on outside of Alaska! Duuuh, so what? But Sarah has to play ketchup now so she won’t appear as strange to you folks as you folks appeared to her,” said Van Slacker.

 

“When Sarah returned to us unharmed, we were amazed,” Palin’s mother told reporters, “she told us of the many strange wonders she seen. She even told us, ‘down there, when the boys of the high schools battle in the hockey rink, the winning team is not permitted to carry off the teen-women of the losing village for the mating and calving.’

 

We were proud to be Alaskans that day, I can tell you.”

 

Alaskan secessionists are hoping that as vice president, Palin will win Alaska’s sovereignty by waiting until McCain is too weak to remain chief, then challenge him for leadership of the clan in a battle to the death using elk horns and eagle talons as weapons.

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Why this Election is so Close: Sarah Palin Underwent Soul Transference with Dick Cheney.

What do you mean, you ask? OK, here it is: 

In an event reminiscent of a scene from the movie ‘Angel Heart’ (1987, Mickey Rourke, Robert De Niro, Lisa Bonet), Sarah Palin under when a ‘soul transference’ with current Vice President Dick Cheney just before John McCain announced Palin as his running mate.

A witness to the ritual, who asked to remain anonymous but who’s name is Cameron Parish, described the scene: “There was chickens, and blood everywhere, and Lisa Bonet runnin’ round stark naked. Sarah Palin was lyin’ – to be clear, what I mean is she was ‘laying’ down – an a wigglin’ like a cut snake, when outta the bushes jumps Dick Cheney with wonna the hearts he supposedly got in an ape-heart transplant a beatin’ in his hands and a big hole in his chest. He takes the heart and shoves it into Sarah’s chestal area, an then collapses at her feet. She then jumps up and yells ‘THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!” and immediately holds a secret energy meeting with America’s oil companies. Nearly the damnest thing what I never seen before.”

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Sarah Palin on Torture: Perform Water-Boarding and Forced Baptism at the Same Time.

At a campaign rally this morning, Sarah Palin offered a compromise to the controversy regarding the torture of ‘War on Terror’ detainees. She proposed to add forced baptism to all U.S. DoD water boarding procedures.

 “This way, we will be learning how they plan on attacking us and saving their souls at the same time,” Palin told a cheering crowd of near-mutants. “As we make our country safer, we can also send the souls of terrorists to Heaven and thereby lessen the number of demons who’ll rise up from the depths of hell on the day of Armageddon and walk the Earth and try to eat our children’s brains.”

 

 

McCain Hospitalized in Serious Condition After Straining Neck Looking Up From Prepared Speech.

Doctors said this evening that John McCain is stable and in good condition for a man nearly 800 years old after he slowly, not suddenly, looked up from a prepared speech during a rally of his campaign staff held (the only ones interested in attending) in one of his 47 homes. The campaign staff were on the clock, so they didn’t mind.

 

Doctors were concerned because this was the first time McCain bothered to look up from a White House prepared speech, ever, and they did not know how his body would react.

 

“When I was a young man,” McCain belted, “we use to carry the women off from the village we conquered. If I am elected President, I will carry off the women of the village of Washington, D.C. without government intervention.”

 

Nurses gave him a shot (in the arm) and lead him astray, in the Republican tradition for America for the past 8 years.