Serial Killer: “I’ll Vote for McCain if it Kills You.”

The murder trial of Dale Shawn Hausner, 35, charged with being one of Arizona’s most prolific serial killers and responsible for dozens of grisly murders, was to begin this Wednesday. However, Hausner’s attorney, Robert DeNial, argued a motion to delay the trial so that Hausner, a life-long Republican, can watch the GOP Convention without interruption from his jail cell in the Maricopa County Maximum Security Correctional Facility For Men, State Farm Road Number 31, Tempe, Arizona.

“Although I have lived what one might call a ‘checkered past’ lately, I have been a loyal Republican all my life, and as such I am a God-fearing ‘Merican who wants to hear  John McCain and Sarah Palin’s plans for how they will stop illegal immigrants from burning American flags at Gay Pride marches.”

The judge listen to both Hausner’s pleas and DeNail’s arguments, carefully considered the motion, and then replied, “OK then.”

Hausner also tried after his arrest on 11 charges of murder to help in the McCain campaign, calling from his jail cell and explaining his circumstances to a McCain campaign aide.

“I tried to volunteer, but the guy at the McCain campaign headquarters in Tempe said they weren’t that desperate yet, but that I could donate a few bucks as long as it couldn’t be proven that the money came from any of my victims.”

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Senator Lindsey Graham Wanted to be First Female VP.

Senator Lindsey Graham, (R) South Carolina, long time friend and ‘confidant’ of John McCain, revealed this week on Meet The Press that he wanted to be McCain’s choice for the first female Vice President.

 

“I am really, really, really upset with John,” Graham told Tom Brokaw, “I mean, I could just scratch his eyes out right now.” Graham arrived at the Meet The Press studio in heavy make-up. “For the TV cameras,” he hissed.

 

McCain, who often refers to Sen. Graham as ’Little Jerk’, instead chose Sarah Palin, Governor of Alaska, to be the first female VP.

 

“Obviously, Lindsey was on the short list of female VPs,” McCain told the South Carolina Gayzette, “I mean, let’s face it, the Little Jerk makes Kevin Spacey’s character of Jim Williams in the movie Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil look like John Rambo, so he’s more than qualified but America isn’t ready for a ‘Southern gentleman’ like Lindsey in the White House.”

 

And from this reporter’s perspective, Graham is a bit creepy. Reminds me of Dracula’s Renfield. In Dracula, Renfield is a fly-gobbling, Scripture-quoting lunatic who acts as a haunted harbinger of Dracula”s arrival.

 

Of course, Republicans have given new meaning lately to the term ‘fly-gobbling’, but the analogy holds.

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Sarahhhhhh…You Got My Porn Mixed In Your Politics.

Letter from John McCain to Sarah Palin:

Dear Sarah, my friend(s),

Oh how I have dreamed of a dream ticket: Me and someone I could replace Cindy with. And I often lay awake at night, sometimes due to my enlarged prostrate, but occasionally because I dream of a younger woman by my left side to protect me from the sun’s harsh rays and help me go to the bathroom. Many presidents have dealt with both affairs and affairs of state, but none of them have thought to combine the two. I have. Now. Oh, Sarah, I can finally trade in Cindy for a newer model. Carol, my first wife and former model, no longer cut the muster after her car accident, so I sought out and found Cindy, a rich and beautiful former model. But, alas, she has aged. Now I have found you. Did I mention that I dig the porn star look?

Love always until you turn 50 or walk with a limp,

Johnny McCain

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Young Obama Uses Grandfather as Surfboard!

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This photo of a young Obama in Hawaii with his grandfather is certainly endearing, but what’s the REAL STORY here? You might be surprised. According to the Drudge Report, a young Barack Obama actually forced his grandfather into submission, with the aid of another child seen in the background, and then used him as a surfboard for several hours without allowing his grandfather to come up for air. Doesn’t this demonstrate a lack of good moral judgment? And some people say that Obama, if elected, will force white, elderly people to become flotation devices for inner-city black children. All I can say is Joe Biden, beware.

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You Librals Make Me Sick. McCain Never Called His Wife a C%$#!

You librals make me sick. SICK!

 

McCain and his wife where having just a normal type argument what married people have all the time. They was talking about how the categorical imperative and its importance to modern deontological ethics. And as any time when people are talking about the categorical imperative, things got heated and McCain called his wife a “Kant”, as in Immanuel Kant, the 18th-century German philosopher.

 

Please try to get your hate stories straight.

 

You pansies make me want to throw up. Verbal and physical ‘violence’ as you libtards like to call it are just a part of any healthy marriage.

 

So what if he then went into a screaming crane pose and struck her with a crouching dragon palm strike to the nose?

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McCain Says it’s OK if Palin Just Another Pretty Face.

John McCain lashed out at critics of his VP pick, Sarah Palin, who have called her ’just another pretty face’.

“My friendssss, war is not pretty–unless you can make war from an airplane while wearing lipstick and a little rouge. When I went into battle, not only did I look pretty, I felt pretty. I wore 100% silk stockings–no nylon for this flyboy, and one of those bullet bras from the fifties. That way, I didn’t feel guilty about what I was doing, because I was dressed like a prom queen on every bombing misson. Some times I even flew while in heels – try landing an A-1 Skyraider on a carrier in the Gulf of Tonken in a typhoon with a garter belt riding up your butt cheeks, a broken bra strap, 4″ stiletto heels that keep slipping off the rudder pedal, and a tiara that won’t stay on straight! Let’s see Mr. big man Obama hold his war face under those conditions! I smell cheese! What day is it? You kids stay off my dog—”

He was then suddenly rushed away by ’senior advisors’ dressed as nurses.

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McCain and Palin: The Hothead and the Airhead.

Palin refuted claims that she’s just another one of the pretty faced airheaded women McCain tends to associate with.

 

“Ohmygwad, I am not an airhead just because I’m, like, cause I say ‘you know’ all the time, you know? Lots of people I know say ‘I know’ all the time and they are not airheads. And airheads are people too. And we need the conservative vote. Do I smell cheese? Anyway, what were we saying? Oh yeah! I, like, ohmygwad, I just totally forgot what I was going to say! Something about airheads, I think. Anyways, I’m voting for McCain ‘cause he did me this really awesome favor by making me his presidential secretary, and so, like everyone else should vote for him too, cause I know him and he’s been a prisoner in that Chinese hotel owned by Paris Hilton.”

 

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Dems Eat This: McCain’s VP Choice Locks Up All of Alaska’s Electoral College Votes!!

YES!  McCain’s brillant VP choice has now locked up all of the Electoral College votes for the LARGEST STATE IN THE COUNTRY!

Dems, chew on that.

By choosing Sarah Palin, Alaska’s governor, McCain is certain to take Alaska, which is twice the size of Texas! And since Texas has 34 Electoral College votes, McCain is certain to get what I estimate to be 68 or more Electoral College votes from Alsaka.

Wooop, wooop….wooop, wooop…how do you like me now?

Sarah Palin Attacks Liberals During Press Conference.

Palin met with reporters in Anchorage this morning, calling on all Librals to “get with the Lord’s program.”

“Your days are numbered!”, Palin told the crowd of 12, nearly half of Anchorage’s population. “If you think you’ll ride the ‘highway to heaven’ by passing out birth control pills shaped like Spooge Bob Square Pants to six year old girls, I venture to say, ‘uh noooooo’ you won’t. The Lord Baby Jesus loves you but, sorry, Librals are all invited to Satan’s everlasting barbeque, 666 Lake of Fire Road, Helltown. Be there or be saved – which won’t happen, fruitcups.”

 

Stunned reporters backed away slowly.

 

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McCain ‘Taps’ Sarah Palin for VP (and what else?)

What is John McCain’s obsession with attractive, powerful women half his age? We know that McCain’s first wife, Carol, was a former model but she was thrown from her car in an accident while John was being held prisoner of war in Vietnam. She had extensive internal bleeding, underwent many months of physical therapy, lost 4 inches of height and her model’s figure. The bad limp in her walk never went away, but John did.  A few years after returning home, he started seeing Cindy, another former model , and divorced Carol.

“McCain is the classic opportunist. He’s always reaching for attention and glory. After he came home, Carol walked with a limp. So he threw her over for a poster girl with big money from Arizona. And the rest is history.”— Ross Perot.

Did McCain also have an affair with Vicki Isemen, the 40 something lobbyist he worked closely with for several years? As Fox News would say, “Some people say” they did.

So now here’s Sarah Palin, the 44-year old former beauty queen–placing second place at the Miss Alaska pageant in 1984. She is so far right in her beliefs that she considers all forms of birth control to be a sin. 

I hope for America’s sake she, with McCain, place second place in November.

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